Tides Have Changed

First post in November.

2015 is almost behind us. I can’t believe that another year has past by. It hit me the other day that I have been broken up with my first major ex for 3 years now. Hurricane Sandy will always be a marker of that break up. We also haven’t been living together for almost a year now, after having lived together for almost 5 years. I don’t know if other people think about these kinds of things, but these are the things I think about. And reflect on. I like to think about where I was a year or two ago. See how different things are. See how time has moved forward, along with myself (hopefully!). I’ve moved forward (slowly). I didn’t think I’d ever stop punishing myself for screwing up two relationships at the same time last year.

I’m feeling better about my LDR. I don’t know why I was feeling so negative about it a week ago. Maybe because I hadn’t seen PhD for more than two weeks. She came to visit this past weekend. Halloween weekend. It was the first time she had been back here since the beginning of August. The weekend had a mix of going out and down time. A very good balance. We finally hit up a strip club we had been eyeing all summer long. I was actually quite impressed with it. The outside really does not do it justice. I got a little too tipsy that night, so thankfully PhD could drive home. We ended up going to just one Halloween party and dragging my current roommate along. We all had a ton of fun drinking and dancing. I was a little relieved to not run into BG at any party this weekend. Mostly because I didn’t want to have to pretend or act like I haven’t been hanging out with her. Not that I would have to really act any sort of way, but PhD is very perceptive and I feel like she could sense something. BG has a lot of power to blow my shit up with PhD right now. I’m trusting that she won’t because I feel like I know her well enough to know that she wouldn’t do that. I still am enjoying my time with BG. I like how we’ve been able to keep it in the present and not walk down memory lane. I’ve always believed and known that we could be good friends, but I knew that it would take some time on her part to forgive me. I’m hoping we’re at that point. I’m hoping that I can keep my feelings and attraction for her in check so that we can continue to be buds.

So after this weekend with PhD, I’m feeling much better about her and I. However, we’re not going to see each other for another two and a half weeks again. I wonder what I’m going to feel like after it’s been awhile. I need to figure out a way to not get so negative about the relationship when it’s been awhile since I’ve seen her. There’s only so much Skyping and texting and calling a relationship can handle. After awhile, you just can’t replace face to face communication. You can’t replace presence. You can’t replace physical intimacy, which is what I crave from my partner. And I’ve gotten to the point where I can finally be ok admitting it out loud. At first I felt like I was being needy asking for it. But after quite a few relationships under my belt, I know what I need from my partner. I like what I have with PhD. Clearly, the tides have changed a bit from my last post.

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