You Can’t Fucking Win

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Every time I think things are going ok between BG and I attempt to be “friends”, they fall apart. And maybe this is just what is destined to happen between us. A short reunion and then a complete cutoff. It’s happened over and over again. And it’s all because I don’t live up to her expectations. I guess I’ve never lived up to her expectations. That has always been her issue with me. I’m always falling short of what she wants to see from me even when we’re not dating. This time it’s about the fact that I’m not telling PhD about all the details of my interactions with BG. The only thing I’ve told PhD is that I’ve run into BG a couple of times while out. And I think at this point that’s all she’s needed to know. BG wants me to tell PhD that I’ve been speaking to her and hanging out with her, which I really don’t think she needs to know. I’ve gone down that road with PhD, and every time she’s been unable to accept that. And maybe I need to think about why I’m consistently jeopardizing my relationship with PhD for a friendship with BG. Maybe I need to block BG’s number because clearly I don’t have the self control to not text her back if she texts. At the moment, I haven’t reached out barely. She hasn’t either because she’s disgusted and grossed out by my lack of transparency with PhD (her words). It’s probably for the best. My current roommate and I ran into BG and her crew a couple nights ago. I was a little tipsy towards the end and admitted on the way home that I’m afraid that I won’t ever stop loving BG. And sometimes it does definitely feel like that. Especially when I see her and am in contact with her. Another friend told me that this is normal but usually people distance themselves from their past loves. I haven’t done a good job distancing myself.

To make matters worse, PhD told me last night that at the time when she said “I love you” to me, it broke her heart that I didn’t say it back immediately. And the fact that I waited a couple weeks before I said it back to her made her feel like shit, and it made it feel like it wasn’t real. It felt like it was forced. It really puts things in perspective since I was waiting because I didn’t want to say it back immediately. I felt like saying it back immediately would make it seem like it was fake, and I just said it because she said it first. Ugh. You can’t fucking win with women. PhD is scared to death that I’m going to break her heart. Even last night she asked that I not break her heart. It’s putting a lot of pressure on me… I mean I’m not planning on breaking her heart at all. I can see a future with her. I want her to be my girlfriend and eventually my wife. I want to have a future with her. But her inability to feel secure in this relationship is really fucking with my head. PhD blames her issues on the fact that her exes treated her so badly. She acknowledged last night that this is her baggage she carries from her previous relationships. I get that. But at some point she’s going to have to move past what her exes did to her.

We both had very vivid dreams last night. I had a vivid dream about BG. She had a vivid dream about hanging out with my exes. Ironic actually. My friend says that we often dream about things we have bottled up inside of us. I guess it’s a little true. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about BG anymore. My dream about BG wasn’t anything special. It wasn’t a dream about getting back together. It was just a mundane dream of us going places. PhD’s dream was about meeting my exes and having a threesome with one. Apparently they weren’t my actual exes though.

Maybe I need to be single again. Maybe I don’t know what I want. Maybe I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship. Maybe I will break PhD’s heart. BUT. She’s the first person I think about in the morning though. And the last person I talk to before I go to sleep. She’s treated me so differently than all my other exes. She’s actually been able to surprise me multiple times, and that’s hard to do. We’ve survived a cross country trip together. We’ve endured multiple Ikea trips together. She seems so in tune to me. She knows exactly how I’m feeling all the time. I can’t hide the fact that I’m upset with her. She knows me very well. It amazes me how well she knows me. I hate it when she’s upset with me. I should not fuck this up, but I’m really afraid I’m on the road to fucking it up.

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