It’s been a kind of terrible week…
After my discussion with PhD about her issues with me saying I love her too late, we then continued the conversation to her issues with trusting me completely. She brought up again that she didn’t trust me fully. And that she was my second choice. And that she was STILL insecure with our whole relationship. I got really upset about all of it. We’ve been dating for 9 months now. If she’s not secure by now, when will she ever be secure???
Then the next day, she asks me why I was upset about her revelations from the night before. And she didn’t seem to understand why I would be upset about anything. Another communication issue in my mind. Last night, she was in another bad mood and said she didn’t want to talk anymore. I didn’t say good night or good morning to her. All day I’ve been thinking about this. I went through my blog and discovered that I’ve been having negative thoughts since June. One great reason to keep a blog. The other recurring theme that has been in my blog posts is the fact that I consistently talk about BG throughout. Whether it’s about being friends with her, or not being over her, or wanting to be friends with her. It’s scarily consistent.
I haven’t talked to BG since last week. I’m embarrassed to reach out. I know what I was doing was wrong and sketchy. She had every right to be disgusted and grossed out by my behavior. I just don’t have anything to say for myself. And I actually did block her number for a total of 3 hours over the weekend. However, I couldn’t keep it blocked. It’s like I want to be available to her whenever she feels the urge to text. Not that she will any time soon I’m guessing. Of course I wish I were still texting her and hanging out with her. But I really can’t continue to do so in secret. And I guess I could have told BG once again that I needed to step back and not talk to her anymore, but I felt like that really wasn’t necessary anymore. I had dinner with LF tonight actually. PhD knew about this one. Although she later did admit that she was feeling anxious about it. Imagining that LF and I would re kindle things. It was good to see her, but I kept it short because I knew PhD would be wondering what was going on.
Needless to say, PhD is a very insecure person. This past weekend I asked her to go see a therapist about her insecurities. I’m hoping this will help. PhD keeps asking me if there’s something I want to tell her. I feel like she can feel something is amiss. Tonight I told her that she deserves to be with someone she trusts and is secure with. Her immediate question was, “are you breaking up with me?” Of course I said no because I’m not ready to break up with her. I just don’t know why I’m having such negative feelings about a woman whom I feel so good with when we’re together. I’m not going to make any rash decisions of course. But it’s something that is going to be on the forefront of my mind to be aware of from now on.
Do my relationships have an expiration date of 9 months?