Non-meshing Moments

I’ve had this particular blog a year now. Another Thanksgiving is soon to be upon us. A lot has changed since last Thanksgiving. But some things haven’t. I’m struggling to find words to what I’m feeling right now. I’m not really feeling content with where I am. I used to be content. At this point in my life, I don’t feel content. I wonder why. Is it the woman I’m dating? Is it the job I’m in? Is it the life I’ve chosen to lead? What is it?

Thoughts of BG have been strong today. I didn’t do anything with them though. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I last spoke to her. It hasn’t been that long, but it has if that makes any sense. I hate not talking to her, not knowing what’s going on with her, but I have to work on this. I have to work on moving on from her. I have to somehow squelch my feelings for her once and for all because they’re not doing anyone any good. Not me, not her, most of all not PhD. PhD’s visit was pretty uneventful, although there were moments again where I just felt unsettled with her. Like something was off. She was grumpy about me not being able to go out that Thursday she rolled into town. She got in at midnight, by then, I had already taught all day, tutored, and then worked out. The last thing I want to do is go out at midnight. She got pissy about it, which in turn made me pissy. That wasn’t a good start to the weekend. The next night, she brought up the question of “Are we good?” Her pieces of evidence were because I didn’t want to go out, my phone got a notification really late at night (random travel notification), and then I (in her eyes) wouldn’t leave my phone alone with her. Of course, I said we were good. Because we are. Just because we have some off moments, doesn’t mean we’re not good. Me feeling discontent has nothing to do with her. Me feeling like she doesn’t understand me and how to give criticism may have something to do with it. BG had lots of criticism for me but I never felt like she was attacking the core of who I was. With PhD, every criticism feels like an attack. Every negative comment stings like hell.

Right before she came this weekend, I was in tears (she didn’t know) because she had questioned me bringing her mundane plans up with my roommate. She didn’t understand why I needed to mention her in my casual convo with my roommate. She thought it was weird that I was “blowing up her shit”, and she said it in a way that I took as very negatively. Like I couldn’t have done anything worse in that moment. Elizabeth Banks was on TV when I was skyping, and I casually mentioned to my roommate that PhD was going to go see the new hunger games movie at midnight. I didn’t feel like that crossed any sort of personal boundaries. I didn’t know it was a huge secret that she was going to go see the movie. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I still don’t. But I eventually got over it, even though I don’t understand why that was an issue.

I just need to continue to document these moments. I need a log of these because I feel like PhD and I have a lot of these weird non-meshing moments. Are all these moments worth giving up a tenured job and a nice apartment for? The time is getting closer and closer to when I have to start seriously looking for a job if I am to move. How will I know?


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