Opening up 2016

This may be my last post of 2015. I head to LA on Monday to spend my last week of vacation with PhD. I haven’t seen her for almost two weeks now, so I am very much looking forward to spending this next week with her and opening up 2016 with her. We’re going to try to see a therapist again in LA and see which one we like. This will be interesting as I predict it’s going to re-open old hurts and wounds. But I suppose this is what happens when one is in a bi-coastal relationship.

I’ve had quite a bit of family time this past week. I need to remind myself constantly that I won’t have my mother around for very much longer. I need to appreciate her more. But, I can’t be myself around her. I can’t share with her anything of my life because of her religious/moral beliefs. I can’t tell her any of my struggles dating women. It’s frustrating sometimes. And it’s not like she’s pestering me all the time about it. I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that I don’t feel comfortable sharing anything about my life with her or the fact that she doesn’t even inquire about my personal life. If she would truly ask, I would tell her. If she asked me today, do you date women? I would say yes. If she asked me, are you dating PhD? I would say yes. However, it doesn’t even cross her mind to ask me anything about my life, which is a testament to who she is as a person. It’s always been this way. Ever since I was young. She’s never really took an interest in what I was doing with my life. So I have sort of a love/dislike thing with hanging out with my mother. I also have a love/dislike thing with hanging out with my little sister and my three beautiful little nieces. I question many of her parenting techniques and usually can’t stand hanging out with her for more than one or two days because of the way she treats her children. So I’m looking forward to another week of vacation after this family vacation I’ve had.

PhD and I are continuing to mend. I haven’t tried to reach out/spoken to/run into BG for a couple weeks now. My revelation to PhD really shook her (maybe us). I don’t even know what I was trying to accomplish when I told Phd that I needed to have BG in my life and that I didn’t know what kind of feelings I still had for her. I guess I was just speaking openly and honestly in the moment, and yet, here I am again without BG in my life. Why does it always happen this way. In the moment, I felt like putting words to what I was feeling would help things. Would change things. I suppose it has changed things. I’m back in therapy. PhD is in therapy. We’re both in couple’s therapy. And BG is not in my life anymore. I feel good with PhD. I feel like we could definitely have a very good life together. Speaking of which, it’s been exactly a year since I officially met her. Who knew we would be where we are now, back then. I remember not wanting to fuck this up towards the beginning of our relationship. I almost did.

BG hasn’t appeared in anymore dreams. I still have things I want to tell her. Things I want to share with her. But I don’t becauseI know she doesn’t want to hear from me. Sometimes the only words I think she would want to hear from me is that I’ve broken up with PhD because I need to be with her. But she’s already told me unequivocally that she could never trust me again. And she has every reason to never trust me again. So, I’ve got to give up on trying to be friends with her in hopes of maybe eventually being at a point where we could build some trust between us to be partners. I’ve got to give up wanting her in my life. I’ve got to let her go. We broke up in 2014 (my doing). I spent ALL of 2015 trying to be in her life not really knowing what the fuck I was trying to do and probably doing more harm than good to everyone around me. I’ve got to use 2016 to sort out my feelings for her in therapy so I can finally get over her and let her go.

In other news, I may have a lead on a job in LA for next year! My former colleague is an acting head of a middle school who is looking for a middle school math teacher! Could it be this easy?? The school is in Calabasas, where the Kardashians live. I don’t care one fuck about the Kardashians, but it does mean that it’s most likely another hoity-toity independent school which means benefits and salary are (hopefully!) good. I’m going to have an introductory meeting with the assistant head of school next week while in LA.

So we shall see what 2016 brings.

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The New Normal

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This is the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and collect my thoughts in a couple weeks. With PhD visiting consecutive weekends (surprise and then planned) and parent conferences and wrapping up things at school and working on getting Christmas presents for everyone and preparing to be gone for two weeks-Indiana and then LA, I really haven’t had a chance to write about any of my thoughts.

During PhD’s last visit here, we went to see a therapist as a couple. First time I’ve ever been to a therapist as a couple. She, however, has been to a therapist with each one of her previous partners. Red flag? I don’t know. PhD produced a document that she had compiled of everything she could remember that transpired regarding BG from the beginning. The document irritated me, but I couldn’t get mad about it because it was pretty much the timeline of events. The session itself was kind of terrible because it was short. We ended up talking about what we thought the issues of the relationship, but there was no resolution. I left feeling like PhD was mad at me because of everything the session had brought up again. She apparently was paranoid that I was going to break up with her at any moment. We were able to talk everything through at dinner afterwards and get things between us back to semi-normality. The rest of the weekend consisted of more talking about what was happening between us. By the end of her visit, I think things were finally ok between us.

Things seem to be back to normal with us. I’m back to not talking to BG which I guess is normal. The new normal. In my last individual therapy session, I told my therapist I wanted to work on trying to get over BG. The night before I had had a dream about BG. I can’t remember the details of it, but I remember her looking down on me, like she was perched in a tree. I could sense that she was there, but I didn’t/couldn’t talk to her. My therapist was trying to get me to see some significance in the dream. I don’t know what the dream was about. I know I should probably say something to BG since she left it as I was supposed to have a long think about things. I still don’t have anything new to say to her though. And I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear what she’s heard before. So, I’ll remain quiet until I have something new to say to her.

In other news, I had one of the worst parent conferences I’ve ever had in my 12 years of teaching. The parents plus grandma came in ready to rumble. I told my administrators that I would not be by myself in a meeting with this family again this year. I’ve never been in such a situation. I’ve been in some very hard meetings with parents. I’ve had parents tell me to my face that their child doesn’t like me or that I need to change something about my class. But what I experienced with this family was more than that. It was bizarre and uncalled for. And it’s really unfortunate that the family, mainly the wackadoo mom had to act that way. She’s doing a huge disservice to her son and he’s the one that needs extra help. Sometimes parents need to just step back and let their egos take a seat.

So as I start my two week vacation from life in NYC and conclude 2015, I am reminded that I do in fact have a wonderful life, and while there may be days that suck, my life as a whole is still pretty damn wonderful.

 

Check yourself!

The truth is, you can love someone with 100% of your whole heart and still be toxic to them. You can care for them and still be toxic. You can want what’s best for them so badly that it tears you apart, and still have a negative impact on their life for the sole purpose of your two elements combine to form an inexplicably toxic reaction. Neither of you are to blame. But the result is what it is.

I don’t have much time to write. I’ve been super busy with work and holiday plans and getting ready to travel for two weeks. I came across this article today, and it’s one of many that has hit home with my situation with BG. Actually my non-situation with BG. I haven’t spoken to her in a week. The last time we spoke she, yet again, wanted to know what I was going to be in her life. And truthfully, I cannot be her true friend if I intend to have PhD in my life. I just can’t. I have been trying to maintain contact with her solely because I didn’t want to let her go for the past year. I see that now. I know that I need to work on letting her go by myself in my therapy sessions. I know that I need to work through my feelings for her. I know that I need to give PhD and I a true chance. BG told me to have a long hard think about everything. I have nothing new to say to her. I really don’t. I can’t have her in my life the way she wants me to be. As much as I’ve tried (and I have) it’s just not working well. I am definitely the toxic one. Which she’s always been afraid of. I just hate that she’s right.

One of the hardest lessons we may ever have to learn is that sometimes, the best way to love someone we love is from a distance. That no matter how much we want them to thrive and expand and be happy, we will never be the people who facilitate that expansion.

Surprise Visits

What a difference a weekend makes.

After the blowup with PhD over her comments about my weight. I finally laid everything out on the table with her. Her criticisms, my anxiety about moving, my need for BG to be in my life in some kind of way because I still haven’t fully sorted out my feelings about her yet. I fully expected her to walk away. I really did. Given that she had said awhile ago that if BG ever came between us again, she would walk away. This was the singular reason which kept me from talking about BG with her. I didn’t even want to mention her name.

PhD was floored by all my revelations. She was perplexed, heartbroken, angry, incredulous. Any negative emotion someone can be. She was all of that on Wednesday night. We both barely slept that night. I went to school feeling like the walking dead. She continued to feel anxious and scared about what was going on. She thought that I was telling her that I wanted to date BG again. When all I was asking her to do was be open to me having a friendship with BG. And I was trying to be honest with her about the fact that my feelings weren’t quite sorted out, which is why I needed some sort of contact with BG. Clearly, this no contact policy is not working. As much as I try to have no contact, I can’t stay away. I can’t just cut her out of my life. I’ve never been able to. And I was starting to resent PhD for forcing me to cut her out of my life.

Friday morning, as I’m waking up… Someone opens the door to my bedroom and comes in. I’m feeling so confused because I haven’t had much sleep. It took awhile for me to register that it was PhD! In NYC! Last thing I knew, she was in LA sleeping. And all of a sudden she was in my bedroom. I couldn’t believe it. No one’s ever surprised me like that. She immediately melted into my arms and everything seemed good in those moments when we finally saw each other.

We spent the weekend just talking and talking and trying to figure things out. I wouldn’t say we have things figured out yet. But we are making steps towards doing so. I went to a therapy session last Friday. She’s going to hopefully see a therapist before I see her this weekend. She was already planning on coming this coming weekend, which is why I was so surprised to see her this past weekend. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but at least she now is aware of my inner struggles that I’ve been dealing with. Sadly her friends now think I’m the asshole that wants to be friends with an ex that I still have feelings for. And my friends think she’s the asshole that said I was fat.

I do struggle with the fact of whether all of this is worth it. Is a friendship with BG really worth my relationship with PhD? Apparently it is. And I have to stand strong in my truth. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know what BG does for me that PhD doesn’t. Does it have to boil down to that? Can’t I just have BG in my life because I think she’s an amazing person?

 

Fuck you, PhD. A big fuck you from my somewhat bigger body…

FUCK.

I don’t even know where to begin. I am so fucking torn up right now. I just spent the last almost two hours in tears on the phone with PhD. I FUCKING hate crying and being upset. It makes me feel so weak. And I always resent the person who is the cause of me being upset. That person being PhD.

I just flew in from LA this morning after spending almost all of last week with her. The time together was a little weird/off because she has a cousin living with her in her one bedroom. But I didn’t think too much about it. We still had fun for the most part. We didn’t have as much sex as we would normally have on account of her house guest being in her living room the whole time. Or that’s what I assumed at the time.

On the drive to LAX, PhD pulls the whole “I want to talk to you about something that I’ve been meaning to bring up for some time now”. I fucking hate that shit. This time, she decided to tell me that I’ve gained a lot of weight since we started dating, and that she thinks it’s affecting our sex life. As in, she’s “not attracted to my belly fat. My stomach is way bigger than before.” I don’t think I said anything for a good 3-4 minutes. I was just in fucking shock. First of all, I’m not obese. Yes, I have gained “some” weight since we started dating. It’s common knowledge. I’m busting my ass in the gym almost every day to work on this. I’ve already recognized this about myself. It’s something I mention quite a bit in this blog. But I’m not fucking obese. Second, I fucking quit smoking. A hard fucking habit to quit after fifteen years of smoking. I think a little weight gain is an ok alternative to being hooked on cancer sticks. Third, I can still wear pants I used to wear. Sure, there are some pants that I can’t wear, but for the most part, I can still wear the clothes I used to wear. She made me feel like some obese person that was untouchable. It just really hurt to hear her tell me that she wasn’t as attracted to me as before when I was super skinny and smoking cigarettes.

I’m still in shock. And I’m in shock of her reaction to my being upset. She doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. Now she thinks that she can never tell me any of her true feelings because I can’t handle them. She said she couldn’t help that she was attracted to slimmer people and that I was “shaming” her for something she couldn’t change about herself.

WHAT THE FUCK?

She asked me what I would do if I were in her situation. I guess it’s a fair question. The thing is, if I had a partner who gained some weight, but just recently (7 months ago) quit smoking AND was going to the gym 6 days out of 7, I think I would cut her some fucking slack. Also, my attraction for her wouldn’t start disappearing because of a few pounds that were added to her frame. In fact, PhD HAS gained weight since we started dating also. I haven’t cared. I’ve barely noticed. What’s her excuse?

Seriously WHAT THE FUCK? And why the fuck did she wait until she’s driving me to the airport to tell me this?

Am I the crazy one here? I’ve talked to two friends about it, and they both tell me that she’s the asshole. But maybe because they’re my friends. They’re supposed to tell me that she’s the asshole. I don’t know. She makes me feel crazy for being upset about this. And she’s basically now blaming me for making it so that she’s uncomfortable telling me “the truth”. She was just trying to be open and honest with me. But clearly, that’s not what I want (in her perspective) because I can’t handle the truth. And now, she doesn’t know if she should ever be honest with me about her true feelings. She thinks it’s “unfair” that my friends called her an asshole. Just because she said what she’s feeling and shared her reality doesn’t mean she’s an asshole. I get that. I do. I feel like BG would agree with her on that.

I had to stop myself from calling BG tonight. I know she’d tell me what’s what. She’d tell me if I’m over reacting. Sadly, I can’t. It’s sad to think that I can’t call/text someone whom I could turn to for unadulterated, unbiased advice.

It took a lot of patience and tongue-biting to not break up with her then and there in the car. I don’t want to make some rash decision that I’m going to regret later on. I really don’t. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, I need to think through my decisions before acting on them.