This may be my last post of 2015. I head to LA on Monday to spend my last week of vacation with PhD. I haven’t seen her for almost two weeks now, so I am very much looking forward to spending this next week with her and opening up 2016 with her. We’re going to try to see a therapist again in LA and see which one we like. This will be interesting as I predict it’s going to re-open old hurts and wounds. But I suppose this is what happens when one is in a bi-coastal relationship.
I’ve had quite a bit of family time this past week. I need to remind myself constantly that I won’t have my mother around for very much longer. I need to appreciate her more. But, I can’t be myself around her. I can’t share with her anything of my life because of her religious/moral beliefs. I can’t tell her any of my struggles dating women. It’s frustrating sometimes. And it’s not like she’s pestering me all the time about it. I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that I don’t feel comfortable sharing anything about my life with her or the fact that she doesn’t even inquire about my personal life. If she would truly ask, I would tell her. If she asked me today, do you date women? I would say yes. If she asked me, are you dating PhD? I would say yes. However, it doesn’t even cross her mind to ask me anything about my life, which is a testament to who she is as a person. It’s always been this way. Ever since I was young. She’s never really took an interest in what I was doing with my life. So I have sort of a love/dislike thing with hanging out with my mother. I also have a love/dislike thing with hanging out with my little sister and my three beautiful little nieces. I question many of her parenting techniques and usually can’t stand hanging out with her for more than one or two days because of the way she treats her children. So I’m looking forward to another week of vacation after this family vacation I’ve had.
PhD and I are continuing to mend. I haven’t tried to reach out/spoken to/run into BG for a couple weeks now. My revelation to PhD really shook her (maybe us). I don’t even know what I was trying to accomplish when I told Phd that I needed to have BG in my life and that I didn’t know what kind of feelings I still had for her. I guess I was just speaking openly and honestly in the moment, and yet, here I am again without BG in my life. Why does it always happen this way. In the moment, I felt like putting words to what I was feeling would help things. Would change things. I suppose it has changed things. I’m back in therapy. PhD is in therapy. We’re both in couple’s therapy. And BG is not in my life anymore. I feel good with PhD. I feel like we could definitely have a very good life together. Speaking of which, it’s been exactly a year since I officially met her. Who knew we would be where we are now, back then. I remember not wanting to fuck this up towards the beginning of our relationship. I almost did.
BG hasn’t appeared in anymore dreams. I still have things I want to tell her. Things I want to share with her. But I don’t becauseI know she doesn’t want to hear from me. Sometimes the only words I think she would want to hear from me is that I’ve broken up with PhD because I need to be with her. But she’s already told me unequivocally that she could never trust me again. And she has every reason to never trust me again. So, I’ve got to give up on trying to be friends with her in hopes of maybe eventually being at a point where we could build some trust between us to be partners. I’ve got to give up wanting her in my life. I’ve got to let her go. We broke up in 2014 (my doing). I spent ALL of 2015 trying to be in her life not really knowing what the fuck I was trying to do and probably doing more harm than good to everyone around me. I’ve got to use 2016 to sort out my feelings for her in therapy so I can finally get over her and let her go.
In other news, I may have a lead on a job in LA for next year! My former colleague is an acting head of a middle school who is looking for a middle school math teacher! Could it be this easy?? The school is in Calabasas, where the Kardashians live. I don’t care one fuck about the Kardashians, but it does mean that it’s most likely another hoity-toity independent school which means benefits and salary are (hopefully!) good. I’m going to have an introductory meeting with the assistant head of school next week while in LA.
So we shall see what 2016 brings.