Fuck you, PhD. A big fuck you from my somewhat bigger body…

FUCK.

I don’t even know where to begin. I am so fucking torn up right now. I just spent the last almost two hours in tears on the phone with PhD. I FUCKING hate crying and being upset. It makes me feel so weak. And I always resent the person who is the cause of me being upset. That person being PhD.

I just flew in from LA this morning after spending almost all of last week with her. The time together was a little weird/off because she has a cousin living with her in her one bedroom. But I didn’t think too much about it. We still had fun for the most part. We didn’t have as much sex as we would normally have on account of her house guest being in her living room the whole time. Or that’s what I assumed at the time.

On the drive to LAX, PhD pulls the whole “I want to talk to you about something that I’ve been meaning to bring up for some time now”. I fucking hate that shit. This time, she decided to tell me that I’ve gained a lot of weight since we started dating, and that she thinks it’s affecting our sex life. As in, she’s “not attracted to my belly fat. My stomach is way bigger than before.” I don’t think I said anything for a good 3-4 minutes. I was just in fucking shock. First of all, I’m not obese. Yes, I have gained “some” weight since we started dating. It’s common knowledge. I’m busting my ass in the gym almost every day to work on this. I’ve already recognized this about myself. It’s something I mention quite a bit in this blog. But I’m not fucking obese. Second, I fucking quit smoking. A hard fucking habit to quit after fifteen years of smoking. I think a little weight gain is an ok alternative to being hooked on cancer sticks. Third, I can still wear pants I used to wear. Sure, there are some pants that I can’t wear, but for the most part, I can still wear the clothes I used to wear. She made me feel like some obese person that was untouchable. It just really hurt to hear her tell me that she wasn’t as attracted to me as before when I was super skinny and smoking cigarettes.

I’m still in shock. And I’m in shock of her reaction to my being upset. She doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. Now she thinks that she can never tell me any of her true feelings because I can’t handle them. She said she couldn’t help that she was attracted to slimmer people and that I was “shaming” her for something she couldn’t change about herself.

WHAT THE FUCK?

She asked me what I would do if I were in her situation. I guess it’s a fair question. The thing is, if I had a partner who gained some weight, but just recently (7 months ago) quit smoking AND was going to the gym 6 days out of 7, I think I would cut her some fucking slack. Also, my attraction for her wouldn’t start disappearing because of a few pounds that were added to her frame. In fact, PhD HAS gained weight since we started dating also. I haven’t cared. I’ve barely noticed. What’s her excuse?

Seriously WHAT THE FUCK? And why the fuck did she wait until she’s driving me to the airport to tell me this?

Am I the crazy one here? I’ve talked to two friends about it, and they both tell me that she’s the asshole. But maybe because they’re my friends. They’re supposed to tell me that she’s the asshole. I don’t know. She makes me feel crazy for being upset about this. And she’s basically now blaming me for making it so that she’s uncomfortable telling me “the truth”. She was just trying to be open and honest with me. But clearly, that’s not what I want (in her perspective) because I can’t handle the truth. And now, she doesn’t know if she should ever be honest with me about her true feelings. She thinks it’s “unfair” that my friends called her an asshole. Just because she said what she’s feeling and shared her reality doesn’t mean she’s an asshole. I get that. I do. I feel like BG would agree with her on that.

I had to stop myself from calling BG tonight. I know she’d tell me what’s what. She’d tell me if I’m over reacting. Sadly, I can’t. It’s sad to think that I can’t call/text someone whom I could turn to for unadulterated, unbiased advice.

It took a lot of patience and tongue-biting to not break up with her then and there in the car. I don’t want to make some rash decision that I’m going to regret later on. I really don’t. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, I need to think through my decisions before acting on them.

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