What a difference a weekend makes.
After the blowup with PhD over her comments about my weight. I finally laid everything out on the table with her. Her criticisms, my anxiety about moving, my need for BG to be in my life in some kind of way because I still haven’t fully sorted out my feelings about her yet. I fully expected her to walk away. I really did. Given that she had said awhile ago that if BG ever came between us again, she would walk away. This was the singular reason which kept me from talking about BG with her. I didn’t even want to mention her name.
PhD was floored by all my revelations. She was perplexed, heartbroken, angry, incredulous. Any negative emotion someone can be. She was all of that on Wednesday night. We both barely slept that night. I went to school feeling like the walking dead. She continued to feel anxious and scared about what was going on. She thought that I was telling her that I wanted to date BG again. When all I was asking her to do was be open to me having a friendship with BG. And I was trying to be honest with her about the fact that my feelings weren’t quite sorted out, which is why I needed some sort of contact with BG. Clearly, this no contact policy is not working. As much as I try to have no contact, I can’t stay away. I can’t just cut her out of my life. I’ve never been able to. And I was starting to resent PhD for forcing me to cut her out of my life.
Friday morning, as I’m waking up… Someone opens the door to my bedroom and comes in. I’m feeling so confused because I haven’t had much sleep. It took awhile for me to register that it was PhD! In NYC! Last thing I knew, she was in LA sleeping. And all of a sudden she was in my bedroom. I couldn’t believe it. No one’s ever surprised me like that. She immediately melted into my arms and everything seemed good in those moments when we finally saw each other.
We spent the weekend just talking and talking and trying to figure things out. I wouldn’t say we have things figured out yet. But we are making steps towards doing so. I went to a therapy session last Friday. She’s going to hopefully see a therapist before I see her this weekend. She was already planning on coming this coming weekend, which is why I was so surprised to see her this past weekend. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but at least she now is aware of my inner struggles that I’ve been dealing with. Sadly her friends now think I’m the asshole that wants to be friends with an ex that I still have feelings for. And my friends think she’s the asshole that said I was fat.
I do struggle with the fact of whether all of this is worth it. Is a friendship with BG really worth my relationship with PhD? Apparently it is. And I have to stand strong in my truth. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know what BG does for me that PhD doesn’t. Does it have to boil down to that? Can’t I just have BG in my life because I think she’s an amazing person?