The truth is, you can love someone with 100% of your whole heart and still be toxic to them. You can care for them and still be toxic. You can want what’s best for them so badly that it tears you apart, and still have a negative impact on their life for the sole purpose of your two elements combine to form an inexplicably toxic reaction. Neither of you are to blame. But the result is what it is.
I don’t have much time to write. I’ve been super busy with work and holiday plans and getting ready to travel for two weeks. I came across this article today, and it’s one of many that has hit home with my situation with BG. Actually my non-situation with BG. I haven’t spoken to her in a week. The last time we spoke she, yet again, wanted to know what I was going to be in her life. And truthfully, I cannot be her true friend if I intend to have PhD in my life. I just can’t. I have been trying to maintain contact with her solely because I didn’t want to let her go for the past year. I see that now. I know that I need to work on letting her go by myself in my therapy sessions. I know that I need to work through my feelings for her. I know that I need to give PhD and I a true chance. BG told me to have a long hard think about everything. I have nothing new to say to her. I really don’t. I can’t have her in my life the way she wants me to be. As much as I’ve tried (and I have) it’s just not working well. I am definitely the toxic one. Which she’s always been afraid of. I just hate that she’s right.
One of the hardest lessons we may ever have to learn is that sometimes, the best way to love someone we love is from a distance. That no matter how much we want them to thrive and expand and be happy, we will never be the people who facilitate that expansion.