Friday has rolled around yet again. It’s interesting how no matter what’s happening in life, whether one is going through good or bad times, days and weeks just continue marching by. My “parent from hell” situation at school is really making me want to move on. Although it’s died down a bit, the energy at school has felt a bit off. Lots of hushed conversations going on, people huddled behind closed doors, colleagues mysteriously absent, etc. I don’t really know what’s going on, but this week needs to be over. Looking forward to this weekend home alone. My roommate is back in her married house while her estranged husband is gone for the weekend. Yay for me. I’ve started to realize that my roommate friend who I considered a really good friend at one time, is not that great of a friend. As in, she’s quite self-centered, and now I’m really seeing the signs of that.
I see my therapist tomorrow, and then won’t for another two weeks. I don’t really know what to talk to her about since I just saw her last week. I came across this article the other day and re read it today. I love the title: How do I Learn to Express my Feelings like a Human? Sometimes I feel this way. I feel like I really don’t know how to express anything I’m feeling. I don’t let myself have/show any emotions about anything. This probably was the cause of many of my break ups/short term relationship endings. I’m trying to work on this part of me that always wants to play the cool girl. Like nothing affects me. Like I don’t have a care in the world. Like I don’t care much about any one thing. This is my favorite section from the article:
Self-help culture (which is such a huge part of mainstream culture now, which makes for a pretty entertaining War of the Worlds) sometimes gives us the impression that we can evolve completely, that we can say good-bye to all traces of OLD ME and become NEW, IMPROVED, AUTHENTIC, PRESENT, PERFECT ME instead. But you know what? Fuck that. Part of you will always be tough and withdrawn. In many situations, you will think before you feel. You will have trouble knowing what you really feel. You will do what you think you “should” do. These things get pretty ingrained and they aren’t that easy to shut off.
One of my friends said something kind of disturbing to me today. She said that she felt like something was off about PhD. I don’t really know what she meant by that. Sometimes PhD can say things that come across as condescending and “know it all” ish. Now, this is a friend who heard from another one of my friends about a comment PhD made to her. And yes, I can see how the comment could have been perceived as condescending. Sometimes I feel like my friends don’t like PhD. Or think that there’s an issue or red flags with her. That scares me sometimes. Like I wonder if there are things I just don’t see about PhD that later down the road, I’m going to be kicking myself for not seeing. All I can work with is how I feel with her though. I enjoy being in her company. I love how we are together (98% of the time). I appreciate that she tries to be an equal partner with me. I believe we have something really good, and that we can make something amazing between us. I hope I’m making the right decision here.
Life’s been a bit busy recently.
And frankly, I don’t have much to write about.
PhD was visiting for almost two weeks. The time with her was pretty awesome as always. Since it’s been so cold, we didn’t really do too much out and about. We’ve started hanging around my neighborhood more. Going to the local bars. Trying to find things to do that we can walk to. We haven’t been to any girl parties for a long time. PhD is not excited about running into BG. And I’m not going to push the issue. When she’s ready to go out in this city, I’ll be there with her. We had our third couple’s therapy session. It continued to re-hash everything. Not too sure if that’s been helpful. I’m hoping we can work on our communication issues. For the most part, it works, but sometimes we just don’t get each other. Is this something that happens to all couples? I’ve actually been avoiding BG’s usual spots because I also don’t necessarily want to run into her. Not because I don’t want to, but because I know what happens when I see her. When I see her, I end up wanting to talk to her. And then when I talk to her, I want to be in contact with her. And when I’m in contact with her, I want to continue talking to her like we’re best buds. And I want to hang out with her like we’re best buds. And I think about all these fun things we could do together. But we’re not like that sadly. Not now. Not ever. I think I’ve finally gotten that through my thick skull. I haven’t had any dreams about her recently. I still think about her. Every. Day. I’ve somehow managed not to reach out. Going on almost two months now. Yay for me.
As far as the job search goes, I had another preliminary interview with another school in LA. I’m going to LA next weekend for a job fair. I hope that I can get a job out there. I need a change. This is my 10th year in NYC. I wasn’t planning on being here past 4 years. My dream is to teach in another country, but that hasn’t happened either. I’m in the midst of one of the biggest parent crisis I have ever had. The parent from hell back in November is back with a vengeance. She is definitely in my top ten most difficult parents, if not THE most difficult parent in my teaching career. The main reason she’s difficult is that she automatically assumes that I (and everyone else) am out to treat her son unfairly. My question is: what good is that going to do me? Why would I have a vendetta towards a 12 year old? I will say one thing, at this point, yes I’m going to treat her son differently from now on because she is such a crazy wackadoo parent. Not necessarily treating him unfairly, but definitely treating him differently. It’s so unfortunate for the son. And the mom wants to make it a race thing. Like I don’t know how to handle black children or families. How does me wanting to help your son in school and talk about his learning issues translate into me not knowing how to handle race and your family? She has overstepped her boundaries as a parent and has been sending borderline harassing emails to me. I only wish I had a principal with some balls to tell her to chill the fuck out. But when you have parents paying $40,000 a year for school, I suppose that is a ball shrinker. But still, harassing teachers should be a line crossed. I need a break from this school.
So I had my therapy session on Friday. We didn’t spend too much time talking about me trying to forget about BG. She wanted to know about my vacation at home and with PhD. I did tell her about another dream I had about BG the previous night. Just like last time, I had a dream about her right before therapy. This time around I met BG out and about. She didn’t know who I was, but I knew who she was. We were attracted to each other (surprise, surprise) and I even went so far to go back to her place. However, in the back of my mind, I kept reminding myself of my relationship with PhD. In the end, I made up some excuse to leave and even gave her a fake number and jetted out of there. My therapist made an observation that in both dreams, I was aware of BG, but she wasn’t aware of me. She wanted to know what that was about. What that meant for me. Isn’t that her job as a therapist? I don’t know what any of this means. None of it is helping me forget about her. I have had enough self control to not reach out. I wonder how long that self control will last.
I talked to my therapist about my default action to hide things from people I love. Even the other day, I was going to have a quick dinner with LF (another ex) and my first instinct was to not tell PhD about it. I didn’t want her to worry about anything. I didn’t want to answer any questions about why I felt the need to have dinner with her. I just felt like a lot of trouble would be avoided if I just omitted the dinner. However, I did end up telling PhD about the dinner. It seemed fine. Thankfully, there were no questions about it or irrational reactions about it.
My therapist believes that because I grew up with a pretty domineering mother and that I felt the need to hide many things from her in my formative years, I now have an almost unbreakable habit of hiding things, especially from people I love. I guess I can see where she would draw these conclusions. My question is, how do I break this habit? It’s not the same kind of habit like smoking to break. I can’t just take a pill and the need and cravings will lessen. I guess I need to really be intentional about the information I divulge. Like the dinner with LF. I really deliberated about telling/not telling PhD. I knew about the dinner on Monday. I didn’t tell PhD until Wednesday, the day it was happening.
I know all of this to an outsider may sound super fucked up. And one might also think that I have no business being in a relationship right now. Or ever. Or at least until I figure this hiding business out. Life doesn’t always work out where one can work things out before meeting someone special. Sometimes you have to work on things simultaneously. And maybe I should have been working on this a long time ago. The positive thing is that I at least am finally becoming aware of this major personality flaw of mine.
I don’t know what it is about today, but every single damn article that came across my Facebook newsfeed made me think about her (BG). This one in particular.
When love scars, it cuts deep. The pain isn’t easily forgotten and usually cannot be willfully forgotten. When you hurt the woman you love enough, she won’t come back to you. And because you still love her, you wouldn’t take her back even if she asked you to.
You don’t trust yourself not to hurt her again and even if you did, she wouldn’t trust you not to hurt her again. Relationships are built on trust and you shattered her trust.
Chances are, you both have bruises that have never fully healed and likely will never fully heal. And that’s just something you decided that you’ll have to live with. Why?
Because you really don’t have any other options. You just hope that the two of you find others to love so you can think about each other less and so you don’t have to worry about her happiness anymore.
Am I still in love with her? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Do I want to be with her at the moment? As friends, yes. As partners/lovers, not yet. As the article mentioned, the trust she had in me was shattered at the first lie. And it continued to shatter after the subsequent lies I told because of my insecurity and inexperience with open relationships. It for sure is fucking hard to forget about her. I’m still on the path of not having her cross my mind daily. My roommate mentioned that she wished she had a time machine to go back she was straight and happy with her husband. I wish I had a time machine to go back to the night I made the decision to break up with BG. Maybe I wouldn’t be here today.
Guess I have some things to talk to my therapist about this Friday…
Happy New Year!!
I thought I’d start this post with a review of my resolutions last year. I kept it simple with just two resolutions:
1) stop smoking
2) live unapologetically
I’m happy to say that I have stopped smoking nicotine. I never thought I’d be able to kick that habit. After 15 years, breaking a habit like that is pretty damn hard. However, I had some help from WellButrin and Phd. Phd really stepped up and supported me throughout my quitting process. At first, I wondered if we were to break up, would I go back to smoking? But at this point, I’m happy that I’ve finally quit. I’ve also picked up some good habits of exercising and eating better. My second resolution wasn’t met consistently. There were moments, but I could definitely work on it more in the coming year. I’m still concerned about what people think and how they’re going to react. I may always be this way which is why I could never be the boss of anything!
I’ve given some thought to what I want my 2016 resolutions to be. I haven’t completely narrowed them down yet. I know one of them will be some sort of resolution for letting go. Another will be some sort of fitness resolution. I still have time to narrow it down. It’s only the 4th day of the new year!
I’ve just returned from a two week vacation out of the city. My last week in LA with Phd was a time of rest and reconnection with her. Our couple’s therapy session with the new therapist went well. Much better than the first one. This time around was the first time we were alone again in her apartment after an extended amount of time housing her cousins. We definitely enjoyed that. My pre-interview with an independent school out there went well. Although I don’t really know how to gauge it. People are always going to be nice to your face.
I haven’t reached out to BG for awhile now. I wanted to wish her well in the new year but I didn’t. I stayed quiet because I would only be reaching out selfishly. Now that 2016 has come around and 2015 is well over, I’ve realized just how toxic I had become for her. And the only way to not be toxic is for me to just stay away. I’m not sure how I will handle her reaching out, but we’ll take it one day at a time.
I’m happy to be back, although not happy that the weather has finally turned winter. 😦 California always looks better in the winter time.