I don’t know what it is about today, but every single damn article that came across my Facebook newsfeed made me think about her (BG). This one in particular.
When love scars, it cuts deep. The pain isn’t easily forgotten and usually cannot be willfully forgotten. When you hurt the woman you love enough, she won’t come back to you. And because you still love her, you wouldn’t take her back even if she asked you to.
You don’t trust yourself not to hurt her again and even if you did, she wouldn’t trust you not to hurt her again. Relationships are built on trust and you shattered her trust.
Chances are, you both have bruises that have never fully healed and likely will never fully heal. And that’s just something you decided that you’ll have to live with. Why?
Because you really don’t have any other options. You just hope that the two of you find others to love so you can think about each other less and so you don’t have to worry about her happiness anymore.
Am I still in love with her? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Do I want to be with her at the moment? As friends, yes. As partners/lovers, not yet. As the article mentioned, the trust she had in me was shattered at the first lie. And it continued to shatter after the subsequent lies I told because of my insecurity and inexperience with open relationships. It for sure is fucking hard to forget about her. I’m still on the path of not having her cross my mind daily. My roommate mentioned that she wished she had a time machine to go back she was straight and happy with her husband. I wish I had a time machine to go back to the night I made the decision to break up with BG. Maybe I wouldn’t be here today.
Guess I have some things to talk to my therapist about this Friday…