So I had my therapy session on Friday. We didn’t spend too much time talking about me trying to forget about BG. She wanted to know about my vacation at home and with PhD. I did tell her about another dream I had about BG the previous night. Just like last time, I had a dream about her right before therapy. This time around I met BG out and about. She didn’t know who I was, but I knew who she was. We were attracted to each other (surprise, surprise) and I even went so far to go back to her place. However, in the back of my mind, I kept reminding myself of my relationship with PhD. In the end, I made up some excuse to leave and even gave her a fake number and jetted out of there. My therapist made an observation that in both dreams, I was aware of BG, but she wasn’t aware of me. She wanted to know what that was about. What that meant for me. Isn’t that her job as a therapist? I don’t know what any of this means. None of it is helping me forget about her. I have had enough self control to not reach out. I wonder how long that self control will last.
I talked to my therapist about my default action to hide things from people I love. Even the other day, I was going to have a quick dinner with LF (another ex) and my first instinct was to not tell PhD about it. I didn’t want her to worry about anything. I didn’t want to answer any questions about why I felt the need to have dinner with her. I just felt like a lot of trouble would be avoided if I just omitted the dinner. However, I did end up telling PhD about the dinner. It seemed fine. Thankfully, there were no questions about it or irrational reactions about it.
My therapist believes that because I grew up with a pretty domineering mother and that I felt the need to hide many things from her in my formative years, I now have an almost unbreakable habit of hiding things, especially from people I love. I guess I can see where she would draw these conclusions. My question is, how do I break this habit? It’s not the same kind of habit like smoking to break. I can’t just take a pill and the need and cravings will lessen. I guess I need to really be intentional about the information I divulge. Like the dinner with LF. I really deliberated about telling/not telling PhD. I knew about the dinner on Monday. I didn’t tell PhD until Wednesday, the day it was happening.
I know all of this to an outsider may sound super fucked up. And one might also think that I have no business being in a relationship right now. Or ever. Or at least until I figure this hiding business out. Life doesn’t always work out where one can work things out before meeting someone special. Sometimes you have to work on things simultaneously. And maybe I should have been working on this a long time ago. The positive thing is that I at least am finally becoming aware of this major personality flaw of mine.