Friday has rolled around yet again. It’s interesting how no matter what’s happening in life, whether one is going through good or bad times, days and weeks just continue marching by. My “parent from hell” situation at school is really making me want to move on. Although it’s died down a bit, the energy at school has felt a bit off. Lots of hushed conversations going on, people huddled behind closed doors, colleagues mysteriously absent, etc. I don’t really know what’s going on, but this week needs to be over. Looking forward to this weekend home alone. My roommate is back in her married house while her estranged husband is gone for the weekend. Yay for me. I’ve started to realize that my roommate friend who I considered a really good friend at one time, is not that great of a friend. As in, she’s quite self-centered, and now I’m really seeing the signs of that.
I see my therapist tomorrow, and then won’t for another two weeks. I don’t really know what to talk to her about since I just saw her last week. I came across this article the other day and re read it today. I love the title: How do I Learn to Express my Feelings like a Human? Sometimes I feel this way. I feel like I really don’t know how to express anything I’m feeling. I don’t let myself have/show any emotions about anything. This probably was the cause of many of my break ups/short term relationship endings. I’m trying to work on this part of me that always wants to play the cool girl. Like nothing affects me. Like I don’t have a care in the world. Like I don’t care much about any one thing. This is my favorite section from the article:
Self-help culture (which is such a huge part of mainstream culture now, which makes for a pretty entertaining War of the Worlds) sometimes gives us the impression that we can evolve completely, that we can say good-bye to all traces of OLD ME and become NEW, IMPROVED, AUTHENTIC, PRESENT, PERFECT ME instead. But you know what? Fuck that. Part of you will always be tough and withdrawn. In many situations, you will think before you feel. You will have trouble knowing what you really feel. You will do what you think you “should” do. These things get pretty ingrained and they aren’t that easy to shut off.
One of my friends said something kind of disturbing to me today. She said that she felt like something was off about PhD. I don’t really know what she meant by that. Sometimes PhD can say things that come across as condescending and “know it all” ish. Now, this is a friend who heard from another one of my friends about a comment PhD made to her. And yes, I can see how the comment could have been perceived as condescending. Sometimes I feel like my friends don’t like PhD. Or think that there’s an issue or red flags with her. That scares me sometimes. Like I wonder if there are things I just don’t see about PhD that later down the road, I’m going to be kicking myself for not seeing. All I can work with is how I feel with her though. I enjoy being in her company. I love how we are together (98% of the time). I appreciate that she tries to be an equal partner with me. I believe we have something really good, and that we can make something amazing between us. I hope I’m making the right decision here.