Working through the madness


I got my first rejection letter (email). From the school that my former colleague works at. (Not my first choice, whew!). I was pretty surprised by it because it came less than 48 hours after I did my school visit. The whole thing was a little weird. I don’t think they even had time to follow up on my references. I didn’t get a chance to meet with anyone in the math department. PhD thinks I was just an after thought and that the school had already made their decision. However, any sort of rejection stings a little. It’s definitely made me feel a little more worried about my job situation next year. Especially since I’ve already put in my official leave of absence. I still haven’t heard from my first school visit (my first choice). It’s been almost two weeks now.

I have a few more preliminary interviews lined up for this week. And my third school visit is happening a week from Monday. Thankfully, I tend to lean towards more of  a positive outlook on life. Clearly I wasn’t meant to work at that one school. I know that I will land in the school I’m supposed to work at. And it will be the best experience for me. A better experience than I could even pick for myself. Life has always happened this way for me. There’s no reason for me to believe otherwise.

I’m still struggling with leaving thoughts of BG behind. I had her phone number pulled up on my phone yesterday. Just to look at her contact information. I didn’t really have anything to say to her. I miss having her name pop up on my phone. I miss having her in my life. When will these feelings end. It doesn’t make any sense. We haven’t been together for almost two years now. I think about my other exes. I guess the difference is that I can actually talk to them when I think about them. The other difference is that I’ve truly gotten over my other exes. I think that if BG were to text me today, I’d feel a little jump start in my heart. If I were to see her today, I’d get all tongue tied and not know what to say or do. And that’s what I need to get over. I wonder if she feels any of this? Am I the only one that is still hung up on this? Does she even care that I’m not in her life? Probably not. I need to hold on to that. And use that to get over all of this. The only consolation I have is the number of relationship articles talking about getting over exes makes me feel like this seems to be a constant struggle for many people.

I think PhD is right. I need a change of environment, change of scenery. My fear is what if that doesn’t change anything. I guess I can only try and force myself to work through this madness.



Living the Bi-Coastal Life

Since my last post, I have been back to LA once and am currently on the way back to LA for a second school interview. This second one is at a former colleague’s current school. Location wise, it’s not in the best location for commuting purposes. However, the school is full of money. And it’s not like I hate driving. I actually really like driving and don’t mind traffic (as long as I’m not late to anything). Just like in NYC you can always blame subway delays for being late, I think in LA you can always blame traffic for being late. And I really like this former colleague. It would be nice to have at least one friend at a new work place.

I have a third school interested in getting me out to LA for a school interview, so I probably will be going back to LA the following weekend. This is my back up school. It’s smaller and way more progressive than I would like. Thank god I invested in TSA Pre Chek. That has literally made life a hell of a lot easier. If you travel a lot, it’s well worth the investment. Comes out to about $20 a year. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard from the top prep school in LA yet. They said they’d reach out in a week or so. I’m really hoping I get a school interview with them. By they time they get their acts together, it may be too late. My body I’m sure is thoroughly confused by all of this traveling.

I turned in my official leave of absence last Friday. It was weird to do, since I thought there was a potential that I would stay at my current school until I retired. But, life happens. I haven’t officially quit yet. It’s almost like my security blanket, in case life in LA doesn’t make the cut. This isn’t even about things between PhD and I. She may not be happy with her job out in LA and may want to make a change. At least I can say that I tried living on the west coast.

PhD and I have hit our one year anniversary mark. Amazing that we made it here given everything that’s happened. Or more so everything we’ve put each other through. This is the longest I’ve ever officially been with someone in a very long time. She gave me the best anniversary present: a PAX 2. I gave her two packs of hair. I know that may sound weird, but trust me, hair can be a big deal to black girls. And this was not cheap hair…

We had a small fight the other night. Our first in a long time. I have this thing about my car. And basically not trusting anyone to drive it. PhD totally sensed it and called me out on it. She was super hurt that my car is not her car. I don’t try to be an asshole about my car, but it’s hard for me to hide. Especially when the person driving it first tries to go down a one-way the wrong direction and then hits a huge pot hole five minutes later. We worked through it though. We had another couples’ therapy session in which she again brought up the fact that she needed to know that I was over BG. I asked her how she would know when I was over BG? What proof do I need to show her that I was over BG? She can’t answer any of those questions. One can’t prove something that isn’t there. I can’t prove that I’m over BG. How do I do that?? PhD wanted/wants to know what prompted the December conversation and what’s happening now. I told her my thoughts, and she still has questions. Nothing I saw will satisfy her I feel like. She will still always and forever be suspicious and wary of my feelings for BG. The trials of dating a woman.

I haven’t spoken to BG since the beginning of December. I haven’t tried to reach out. I haven’t even gone looking for her at her usual spots. I am and will continue to work on moving on. PhD asked if I was moving to LA to forget about BG. I wouldn’t say I was solely moving to LA because of that. Although I’m sure it will help to move somewhere where there are no reminders of any of my past relationships.


The Beginning of the Merging Process

I had an eventful weekend! I was in LA for a job fair on Friday (speed dating for teaching jobs, basically). This is the first of a few that I will be attending, however, this one was more fruitful than I could have imagined! One of the schools I interviewed with already asked me back as a finalist (one of three). I really like this school. I like the location (North Hollywood-close to where PhD needs to be). I like the people (math department head is openly gay and married). And while it was in the low 30s in NYC this weekend, it was in the mid-80s in LA!

In regards to the parent from hell, or I should say family from hell, everything came to a head Thursday morning before I was supposed to fly out. There was a sit down meeting with me, my team leader, my assistant principal, my principal, mom, dad, and grandma from hell. So, seven of us in this meeting over three points on a test. Three points that the son cheated on but because it costs $40,000 to send students to this school, we can’t stand up to parents. ESPECIALLY parents who pull the race card. Fuck me. I thought I was pretty calm throughout the meeting but when I checked my heart rate on my Fitbit later on during the day, I noticed it was at cardio level during the meeting! From now on, I am most definitely going to treat this kid differently than I do the other students in my classes. Exactly what the family from hell didn’t want to happen, but they are so deranged and insensitive to their sons’ actual needs that they did this to themselves. Every single one of his teachers is going to single him out from now on and treat him with kid gloves. The situation was so out of the box CRAZY that I received a $25 fandango card from the administration for my stress and emotional well-being.

I’m back on the east coast now, although not for long. I will be back on the west coast the following weekend. It’s going to be a big traveling month for me. Mostly because of the job search. I have to go back and spend a day at the school I’m a finalist at. I have a job fair in San Fran that I will be attending at the end of the month. I’m definitely feeling a lot better about this move. Especially now that I know there are good schools out there looking for math teachers. PhD and I are getting excited about merging our lives. And the fact that I’m finally at the interviewing step of the merging process is super exciting.

I read another article that struck a chord with me. Being passive is one of many things that all the women I’ve dated seriously have had a problem with. And it definitely is something I’m working on. So much self-work I need to work on. I’m not going to see my therapist until the end of the month. If then. I’m still struggling to let BG go. To not think about her. To not want to talk to her. Thoughts of her were strong some days ago. I almost wanted to go to a bar that I might have run into her at. Maybe I need to change my environment. So that things/places don’t remind me of her. I guess I am in the process of doing just that.