Working through the madness


I got my first rejection letter (email). From the school that my former colleague works at. (Not my first choice, whew!). I was pretty surprised by it because it came less than 48 hours after I did my school visit. The whole thing was a little weird. I don’t think they even had time to follow up on my references. I didn’t get a chance to meet with anyone in the math department. PhD thinks I was just an after thought and that the school had already made their decision. However, any sort of rejection stings a little. It’s definitely made me feel a little more worried about my job situation next year. Especially since I’ve already put in my official leave of absence. I still haven’t heard from my first school visit (my first choice). It’s been almost two weeks now.

I have a few more preliminary interviews lined up for this week. And my third school visit is happening a week from Monday. Thankfully, I tend to lean towards more of  a positive outlook on life. Clearly I wasn’t meant to work at that one school. I know that I will land in the school I’m supposed to work at. And it will be the best experience for me. A better experience than I could even pick for myself. Life has always happened this way for me. There’s no reason for me to believe otherwise.

I’m still struggling with leaving thoughts of BG behind. I had her phone number pulled up on my phone yesterday. Just to look at her contact information. I didn’t really have anything to say to her. I miss having her name pop up on my phone. I miss having her in my life. When will these feelings end. It doesn’t make any sense. We haven’t been together for almost two years now. I think about my other exes. I guess the difference is that I can actually talk to them when I think about them. The other difference is that I’ve truly gotten over my other exes. I think that if BG were to text me today, I’d feel a little jump start in my heart. If I were to see her today, I’d get all tongue tied and not know what to say or do. And that’s what I need to get over. I wonder if she feels any of this? Am I the only one that is still hung up on this? Does she even care that I’m not in her life? Probably not. I need to hold on to that. And use that to get over all of this. The only consolation I have is the number of relationship articles talking about getting over exes makes me feel like this seems to be a constant struggle for many people.

I think PhD is right. I need a change of environment, change of scenery. My fear is what if that doesn’t change anything. I guess I can only try and force myself to work through this madness.



4 thoughts on “Working through the madness

  1. I’ve written three different comments to this, and I’ve erased all three…I just want you to know that there will always be a little piece of her in your heart, we all carry our own…it’ll never go away, not completely, you loved her, but it will get better. That’s Life…love and regrets, given in varying measures by us all…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry, luv, I have one splinter still in my heart and it’s been there eighteen years, twice as long now as the time we were together…I loved her, I still do, I always will, to some degree, and I cannot underscore the meaning of that enough…but it will get better…


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