Working through the madness

I got my first rejection letter (email). From the school that my former colleague works at. (Not my first choice, whew!). I was pretty surprised by it because it came less than 48 hours after I did my school visit. The whole thing was a little weird. I don’t think they even had time to follow up on my references. I didn’t get a chance to meet with anyone in the math department. PhD thinks I was just an after thought and that the school had already made their decision. However, any sort of rejection stings a little. It’s definitely made me feel a little more worried about my job situation next year. Especially since I’ve already put in my official leave of absence. I still haven’t heard from my first school visit (my first choice). It’s been almost two weeks now.

I have a few more preliminary interviews lined up for this week. And my third school visit is happening a week from Monday. Thankfully, I tend to lean towards more of  a positive outlook on life. Clearly I wasn’t meant to work at that one school. I know that I will land in the school I’m supposed to work at. And it will be the best experience for me. A better experience than I could even pick for myself. Life has always happened this way for me. There’s no reason for me to believe otherwise.

I’m still struggling with leaving thoughts of BG behind. I had her phone number pulled up on my phone yesterday. Just to look at her contact information. I didn’t really have anything to say to her. I miss having her name pop up on my phone. I miss having her in my life. When will these feelings end. It doesn’t make any sense. We haven’t been together for almost two years now. I think about my other exes. I guess the difference is that I can actually talk to them when I think about them. The other difference is that I’ve truly gotten over my other exes. I think that if BG were to text me today, I’d feel a little jump start in my heart. If I were to see her today, I’d get all tongue tied and not know what to say or do. And that’s what I need to get over. I wonder if she feels any of this? Am I the only one that is still hung up on this? Does she even care that I’m not in her life? Probably not. I need to hold on to that. And use that to get over all of this. The only consolation I have is the number of relationship articles talking about getting over exes makes me feel like this seems to be a constant struggle for many people.

I think PhD is right. I need a change of environment, change of scenery. My fear is what if that doesn’t change anything. I guess I can only try and force myself to work through this madness.