Matching Needs

Screen Shot 2016-03-30 at 1.57.25 AMIf anyone is wondering, I am still freaking out about my move out west. I definitely need to talk to my therapist about this. I suppose being a little scared is normal. I’m afraid I’m going to sabotage the whole thing. I’m afraid I’m going to second guess my decision until I end up screwing everything up. The majority of my anxiety revolves around merging my life with B. Do I know this woman well enough? Do I trust her enough? Today I asked her why she was doing something sketchy on her phone at dinner. I’ve been over thinking her words to me about how “I would never know if she were cheating on me”. She has said that to me quite a few times now. Apparently, she wasn’t doing anything sketchy, just transferring money in her bank accounts. She sure acted sketchy about it. When I looked over at her, she immediately tilted her phone so I couldn’t see anything. She also was acting distant today, even though she would never admit it. It’s maddening how you can feel something missing but the other person refuses to see it or acknowledge it. Or maybe they just don’t get it. B acting distant happens once in awhile and this was the first time I tried to address it. I probably went about it in the wrong way. As always.

All of it makes me think that maybe it’s all in my head. But I don’t think it is. I need a partner who is physically affectionate with me. It’s something I’ve always needed and it’s something I’ve finally become comfortable asking for. And when that piece is missing, that makes me think something is amiss. Maybe I need to re adjust how much physical affection I need. Maybe I need too much. B clearly didn’t think anything was going on today.

Going down this long term relationship road a second time is so much more difficult. There are so many more cautions and advisories and even made up shit along the way. My first time in a long term relationship, I didn’t think it would ever end. The naivety that comes along the first true relationship is such that I didn’t have those cautions or advisories to tell me to be careful and to watch myself. I never asked myself if this was the right thing to do. I never asked myself whether she would get tired of me after three or four years down the road like all her other partners. In my other relationships, I guess we never got to the conversation of us being long term. I was fine with what we were doing. Having fun. Seeing where life took us. I didn’t want to have that conversation of where we were headed. Maybe because I knew how hard it would be for me to be completely secure with anyone else ever again.

I can’t seem to have a heart to heart conversation with B without getting emotional, ie, crying. I hate crying. I don’t know why I cry. I wish I didn’t. But I do. I talked about this before. Yet another weird emotional response I have when faced with intense conversations. And it’s only with people I love. I can be faced with a parent in an intense conversation, and I can control my emotions like a vault. With B, she knows immediately when I’m upset about something. Or unhappy about something. Or even super happy and excited about something. I don’t think any other person I have been with has been as in tune to my emotions as B is. Maybe part of me just needs to accept that there will be non-physical days with B. And I just need to be cool with that. And not take it personally. Should I even put up with that though? Shouldn’t I be with someone that matches my physical affection needs?

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Hi, my name is…

Hi, my name is J and I am an ex-aholic (and a nicotine-aholic). It’s been almost four months since I’ve had any contact with the ex. Almost one month longer than I have ever gone before. It doesn’t feel good. I still think about her every day. I still want to check up on her. I still want to be in contact with her. But I realize now that in order for me to get over her and move on, I cannot be in contact with her. Even the simplest opening line of “Hi” would set me back to day one. It’s like me having a cigarette now would set me back to day one after almost achieving one year of not smoking. B mentioned to me the other day that if I want to meet up with the ex one last time before I move (for closure), she’d be okay with it. I don’t think we’ll ever have closure on any of this. Meeting up for one time wouldn’t bring any sort of closure. After of year of trying to have closure, there needs to be at least a year of just no communication. It sucks, but I’ve got to at least try. My birthday will mark one year of my not smoking campaign and four months of my not talking to the ex campaign. Time will tell if both shall succeed.

I’m back in LA for two weeks for my spring break. It feels so good to be here knowing where I’m going to work next year. There was always so much uncertainty in my previous visits. Now the task is finding a place for us to live. Rent out here is pretty much the same as NYC. However, you do get more for your money. We saw a beautiful apartment yesterday in the exact neighborhood we want. Let’s see if we’re lucky enough to get in the building in August when we actually need the apartment.

I took a considerable pay cut accepting the job out here. Unfortunately, that’s just the harsh reality of giving up a tenured position in an independent school in NYC. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for that reality. I will definitely need to supplement my income by tutoring next year. Hopefully, I can pick up some tutoring students right away, although it took me a very long time to pick anyone up in NYC. I’ll just need to put myself out there more out here.

B and I have been doing well and growing together. We’re really trying to work together and muddle through our communication differences. Recently, we haven’t let little things that happen ruin the whole night out. We have a couple’s therapy appointment today. I don’t really know exactly what we should be doing in these appointments anymore. We started therapy when we were in crisis mode. We are no longer in crisis mode and our relationship is stronger because of it. I don’t know what we should be doing now. Often times the therapy appointments just bring up old shit that stirs up bad feelings again. I guess we’ll see what happens today. Sometimes I get a little freaked out when I notice or get irritated by negative things about her. I think about whether I will be able to put up with them in the long run because that’s essentially what I’m gambling against. I’m putting all my eggs in her basket and hoping that it works out. I suppose every human who has ever lived on this planet does this every single day. Why does it scare me so much?

 

 

Stupid brain. When will you learn?

My day started out on a sour note today. I had just flown in from LA from my 3rd school visit. I was in the faculty lounge, when another colleague came up to me and mentioned that he had just interviewed and been hired (on the spot!) at my first choice school (whom I have yet to hear from…) &%#$! So on top of being super exhausted from last week of writing god damn home reports, yet another school visit, and another red eye back to NYC, I spent the whole day obsessing over the fact that my first choice school hasn’t contacted me yet. UGH.

I hate caring. I hate giving any sort of attention to any one thing. I like not caring about things. Not obsessing over things. Having the general mood of I don’t have a care in the world. Which I usually don’t. This searching for a job business is messing with my vibe.

On a lighter note, I think spring has sprung in NYC. I need to cherish this last spring and summer I have in the city. I don’t think I’ll be living here again. I keep thinking of all the things I need to do while I’m still here. And then I think about the fact that I have no one to do them with. Not that I have anything against doing things alone. But it’s always more fun doing things with someone. And the first person I think of that I would want to go do things with here in NYC is BG. Even after all these months of not doing things with her. Stupid brain. When will you learn?

PhD and I had a weird-ish weekend. It all started with her hanging out with her male ex before she picked me up at the airport. She was in a very subdued mood when she picked me up. I guess she was sad that her male ex was still not over her. We were scheduled to drive down to San Diego to hang out for the weekend. We did end up doing that, but we didn’t have a lot of sex. Actually we had sex exactly one time. Half a time. Me on the receiving end. 5 minutes tops. And that’s it. There’s something that has been bothering me about this past weekend. I don’t know what it is. I just felt like PhD wasn’t all there this weekend. I guess I should talk to her about this.

I decided that I should start referring to PhD as my girlfriend or B on this blog now. PhD was a name I gave her back when we first met and I had no idea she’d be my girlfriend more than a year later. Phd sounds so cold and unfriendly. I also don’t want to call the ex I can’t stop want to stop thinking about ‘BG’ anymore. Now, I can’t even remember why I coined her BG. Maybe where she lives?

So I casually mentioned to B tonight that another one of my exes would like me to go apartment hunting with her this weekend. She didn’t sound very happy about it. She is adamant about meeting this ex. I’m fine with the two of them meeting. I think the ex is a bit uncomfortable meeting B, and I don’t feel like I can really force her. Besides, B is not going to be here in NYC for a long while. I guess I’ll broach the subject of meeting B when I see her next.

Is it too much to ask B to just be chill about people I hang out with? I don’t understand what the big deal is… Does she think I’m going to slip and fall on an exes’ pussy?