Hi, my name is J and I am an ex-aholic (and a nicotine-aholic). It’s been almost four months since I’ve had any contact with the ex. Almost one month longer than I have ever gone before. It doesn’t feel good. I still think about her every day. I still want to check up on her. I still want to be in contact with her. But I realize now that in order for me to get over her and move on, I cannot be in contact with her. Even the simplest opening line of “Hi” would set me back to day one. It’s like me having a cigarette now would set me back to day one after almost achieving one year of not smoking. B mentioned to me the other day that if I want to meet up with the ex one last time before I move (for closure), she’d be okay with it. I don’t think we’ll ever have closure on any of this. Meeting up for one time wouldn’t bring any sort of closure. After of year of trying to have closure, there needs to be at least a year of just no communication. It sucks, but I’ve got to at least try. My birthday will mark one year of my not smoking campaign and four months of my not talking to the ex campaign. Time will tell if both shall succeed.
I’m back in LA for two weeks for my spring break. It feels so good to be here knowing where I’m going to work next year. There was always so much uncertainty in my previous visits. Now the task is finding a place for us to live. Rent out here is pretty much the same as NYC. However, you do get more for your money. We saw a beautiful apartment yesterday in the exact neighborhood we want. Let’s see if we’re lucky enough to get in the building in August when we actually need the apartment.
I took a considerable pay cut accepting the job out here. Unfortunately, that’s just the harsh reality of giving up a tenured position in an independent school in NYC. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for that reality. I will definitely need to supplement my income by tutoring next year. Hopefully, I can pick up some tutoring students right away, although it took me a very long time to pick anyone up in NYC. I’ll just need to put myself out there more out here.
B and I have been doing well and growing together. We’re really trying to work together and muddle through our communication differences. Recently, we haven’t let little things that happen ruin the whole night out. We have a couple’s therapy appointment today. I don’t really know exactly what we should be doing in these appointments anymore. We started therapy when we were in crisis mode. We are no longer in crisis mode and our relationship is stronger because of it. I don’t know what we should be doing now. Often times the therapy appointments just bring up old shit that stirs up bad feelings again. I guess we’ll see what happens today. Sometimes I get a little freaked out when I notice or get irritated by negative things about her. I think about whether I will be able to put up with them in the long run because that’s essentially what I’m gambling against. I’m putting all my eggs in her basket and hoping that it works out. I suppose every human who has ever lived on this planet does this every single day. Why does it scare me so much?