If anyone is wondering, I am still freaking out about my move out west. I definitely need to talk to my therapist about this. I suppose being a little scared is normal. I’m afraid I’m going to sabotage the whole thing. I’m afraid I’m going to second guess my decision until I end up screwing everything up. The majority of my anxiety revolves around merging my life with B. Do I know this woman well enough? Do I trust her enough? Today I asked her why she was doing something sketchy on her phone at dinner. I’ve been over thinking her words to me about how “I would never know if she were cheating on me”. She has said that to me quite a few times now. Apparently, she wasn’t doing anything sketchy, just transferring money in her bank accounts. She sure acted sketchy about it. When I looked over at her, she immediately tilted her phone so I couldn’t see anything. She also was acting distant today, even though she would never admit it. It’s maddening how you can feel something missing but the other person refuses to see it or acknowledge it. Or maybe they just don’t get it. B acting distant happens once in awhile and this was the first time I tried to address it. I probably went about it in the wrong way. As always.
All of it makes me think that maybe it’s all in my head. But I don’t think it is. I need a partner who is physically affectionate with me. It’s something I’ve always needed and it’s something I’ve finally become comfortable asking for. And when that piece is missing, that makes me think something is amiss. Maybe I need to re adjust how much physical affection I need. Maybe I need too much. B clearly didn’t think anything was going on today.
Going down this long term relationship road a second time is so much more difficult. There are so many more cautions and advisories and even made up shit along the way. My first time in a long term relationship, I didn’t think it would ever end. The naivety that comes along the first true relationship is such that I didn’t have those cautions or advisories to tell me to be careful and to watch myself. I never asked myself if this was the right thing to do. I never asked myself whether she would get tired of me after three or four years down the road like all her other partners. In my other relationships, I guess we never got to the conversation of us being long term. I was fine with what we were doing. Having fun. Seeing where life took us. I didn’t want to have that conversation of where we were headed. Maybe because I knew how hard it would be for me to be completely secure with anyone else ever again.
I can’t seem to have a heart to heart conversation with B without getting emotional, ie, crying. I hate crying. I don’t know why I cry. I wish I didn’t. But I do. I talked about this before. Yet another weird emotional response I have when faced with intense conversations. And it’s only with people I love. I can be faced with a parent in an intense conversation, and I can control my emotions like a vault. With B, she knows immediately when I’m upset about something. Or unhappy about something. Or even super happy and excited about something. I don’t think any other person I have been with has been as in tune to my emotions as B is. Maybe part of me just needs to accept that there will be non-physical days with B. And I just need to be cool with that. And not take it personally. Should I even put up with that though? Shouldn’t I be with someone that matches my physical affection needs?