I had a moment of clarity today. A moment of brief reprieve from my going down the rabbit hole of being stupid and contacting her. I once wrote this blog post when I had another moment of rational thought regarding the ace. I need to keep going back to this blog post because it’s going to ground me in my letting go process. And I need to keep thinking that just because I can’t talk to her or contact her doesn’t mean I don’t love her or care about her. I can’t feel guilty about that. I can’t feel guilty about loving her and not being with her. It’s not like we didn’t try. I was a toxic person to the ace. I know that now. Just like the article that was the catalyst for my previous blog post says:
A lot of toxicity is accidental. A lot of it is innocent. A lot of it is approached with genuinely positive intentions.
And so we learn to forgive ourselves for the toxicity we did not mean to cause. We learn to forgive each other for it, too.
At the end of the day, we just won’t be the right fit for everybody. And everybody will not be the right fit for us.
So we accept that. We set aside our differences. We take our space when we need it. And we learn to love each other from afar.
My moment of clarity today was that on a whim I went and visited a photography exhibition an old friend/infatuation curated. A couple years ago, I didn’t think I’d ever let her go. And somehow I did. I remember a time she used to permeate my thoughts, daily. And I went crazy trying to move on from her. But somehow I did. When I saw her today, I felt nothing. It felt like seeing a super old friend that I hadn’t spoken to in forever. Although she was still beautiful and exactly how I remembered her, there were no stirrings of emotions or of wistfulness. So my moment was when I realized that the ace is not the first woman I’ve had trouble moving on from. And maybe a couple years from now, if I ever happen to run into the ace again or see her, I may possibly be able to see her as a super old friend that I haven’t spoke to in forever.
B brought up the subject of me having drinks or something with the ace one more time before I move. I guess she regrets not doing that with her ex when she moved out of the Midwest. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to accomplish. B isn’t comfortable with us being friends at all. What’s the point of meeting if we have no intention of continuing our friendship? Even more awkward is that we aren’t even friends to begin with… I mean I have no doubt that if I were to meet up with the ace for drinks, we most likely could have a nice conversation about nothingness, but what’s the purpose? And this is even if she were open to it. Which she probably would not be. Her response would be “Why?” Unless I brought along B. B wanted me to meet her ex. I never really wanted to, and actually still have no desire to meet her. I think B is secretly fascinated by the ace because they both come from the same culture, and the ace is out to her family which is a huge deal in their culture. At one point, they both probably could have been good friends. Maybe that’s what I need to start working on. Getting them to be friends.
My moment of clarity is clearly over now. I’m a little high. I need to stop thinking.
The ace has still been hanging out in my thoughts. She’s been there in the forefront since I caught a glimpse of her this weekend. I was afraid this might happen. Me seeing her. Me wanting to contact her. Me not being able to stop thinking about it until I do contact her. Argh. The craziest thing of all is that as much as I want to text the ace, I really don’t have anything to say to her. All I want to know is how she’s doing. Where she’s at in life. How her life is going. Shooting the shit type stuff. But we weren’t able to do that for each other before. Why would anything be different now. B is coming into town this weekend. That’ll take my mind of the ace.
I went to a local lesbian bar tonight for a drink. I purposely went early so I wouldn’t run into the ace. I knew my chances of running into her were less the earlier I went. I had a good time. Had my drink at the bar. Observed everyone around me. And then was out of there before anyone else knew any better.
I found out yesterday when I need to be at my new school in LA. Second week of August. Which means I have to most likely be out of here by mid-July because I have to stop by the Midwest and visit family. Wow. That’s less than 3 months away. I don’t feel ready at all. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, nothing. I’m not ready. I don’t want to leave NYC. The closer the time gets, the less I want to leave. But I have to. If I don’t, I don’t have a job. If I don’t, B will wonder why. If I don’t, things will be even more confusing and I may never be able to let the ace go. If I don’t, I’m being stupid and holding myself back. Fear of the unknown? Fear of the future? Fear of another long term relationship? Fear of closing the door completely on the ace? Fear of being true to my feelings? Fear of disappointing people? So many fears. I need to do this for myself.
I almost did something reckless today. Key word(s): almost. and reckless. I’ve decided to call the ex that my memories can’t seem to leave behind ‘the ace’. The e just wasn’t sounding quite right. And it’s not like I want to be referring to her as an ex all the time either. She’s still here to stay for a little bit (in my mind), so the ace is going to have to stick. I know there are so many metaphorical connections to be made with that name. The ace being the strongest card in the suit. The ace trumping everything. However, there is also a very simple (and not metaphorical) reason why the ace suits this situation.
I went out again last night because I really wanted to check out this house music venue that B and I have been to before. I ended up spending a couple hours there, and then I headed around the corner to the Saturday night girl party that’s connected to the Friday night one. I didn’t realize they were so close together until last night. I knew there was a chance to run into the ace, and maybe subconsciously I really wanted to. Anyhow, I thought I caught a glimpse of the ace last night, and all of a sudden I was actively trying not to cross paths with her. I was successful at it, and if she saw me, she was also actively trying not to bump into me.
All of this to say that this afternoon I got the sudden extremely strong impulse to text her. Like I literally had a text message open and one word typed out multiple times. But I didn’t send anything because the biggest inner struggle within myself erupted at the moment. I had to force myself to think about what B would feel if she found out I had reached out to the ace yet again. Clearly, she would feel hurt yet again that I couldn’t resist the temptation to contact the ace and all the progress we’ve made as a couple since December will have gone down the toilet. I had to force myself to think about how the ace would feel if I reached out to her again. The ace clearly said that she wasn’t interested in any sort of half/secret friendship, and she already thinks I’m liar and a coward. I also forced myself to think about how I would feel if I ended up texting her. I’ve been working so hard to forget about her and not give into the need to reach out to her. Just like I worked really hard at quitting cigarettes, and I’m really working hard to lose weight. Working hard sucks ass.
I don’t have an official sponsor to turn to when I need to be talked out of reckless “ex” decisions. This blog will have to suffice. At the end of the day, I was able to talk myself out of a bad decision, which is progress I suppose. It means I am finally making strides towards thinking about how others might feel if I were to do something selfishly. And that’s always a good thing.
Well, I went out as planned. I was hoping to drag my roommate along, but as always she was a party poop and went to bed. Last night was too nice of a night to just stay at home, and I was itching to go out and have a drink. As predicted, I did run into the e. “Run into” may be too strong of a phrase. We glanced at each other, exchanged a handful of words, and went our separate ways. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t happy to see her. She’s beautiful and attractive. I’ll always have those feelings. She had a new hairstyle I’ve never see on her before. I couldn’t openly look though because we’re not like that anymore. She always asks me the same thing when she sees me out by myself. “What are you doing here?” As if I’m not allowed to be places she’s at. Maybe next time I should have a smart ass answer ready to go.
And as always, I want to open up conversation with her again. Even though it’s been almost five months now since I last spoke to or saw her, I can’t not see her and not want to talk to her and interact with her. I think this is why B gets worried. And this is why I need to control my impulses in terms of trying/wanting to talk to her. The only purpose being served is my own selfish interests in wanting her in my life. No one else gets anything positive out of me reaching out, so I need to just chill out and let it be.
I just wanted to check out the new venue and vibe. I’m a little disappointed with the new place. The old place was so much better in terms of space and cool vibes. It had an upstairs bar area you could hang or downstairs place you could dance. The new place is super cramped, and there’s no where to go. And I really was not feeling the music last night. I’ve been hitting up a lot more house parties with B lately, and I’ve come around to like dancing to house more than top 40s these days. Looking forward to finding new parties in LA in the coming months.
This morning I woke up and found out Chyna, the WWE female wrestler from the 90s had died. Then sometime during the morning, news broke that Prince had also died. Two completely different people in opposite worlds, yet figures that I’ve grown up with. I remember back when I was young I though Chyna was so cool, kicking all the asses she could in those rings. I was late to the game on Prince because I discovered him when I was in college (in Minnesota). I once dated a guy who went to school with his son! I blame my ultra conservative upbringing for denying me of years of listening to Prince songs. Or maybe it was because I lived on the other side of the world? I’m sure one compounded the other to make it so that I’ve only really known of Prince for half of my life. But you can be certain that every time I go to karaoke I sing a Prince song.
Somehow Chyna the WWE wrestler takes precedence over Prince in my upbringing. Strange. Also because Prince died the same day Chyna died, I feel like not much attention has been given to the pioneer of female wrestlers. Poor Chyna. Apparently she spent some recent years teaching English in Japan?!?! Can you imagine that?? This big ass American woman teaching you English. I’m sure her students were really motivated.
I’ve been very involved in my diet program this past week or so. I cringe every time I say it. But it seems that I am indeed on a legit hardcore diet. The first few days were fucking awful and I really hated what my life had become. But now, my body has adjusted and I’ve resigned myself to being on a fucking diet. I feel like my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I’m getting smaller. Until I weigh and measure myself I won’t know. I promised myself I wouldn’t weigh or measure myself until I was half way through.
I’m trying not to think about my imminent move. Because when I do start thinking about leaving a city that I love, a job that I like, an apartment that I love, a neighborhood that I love, food and restaurants that I love, laundry places that do my laundry I start freaking out a little. It also is irritating the hell out of me because people keep reminding me of the move with questions like “have you started thinking about how you’re moving out?” or “are you going to miss this?” or “how are you feeling about the move?” Ugh.
It’s finally getting warm in NYC. The best time of year here. I want to start going out again. Of course I may run into the e in time. I mentioned to B that I may go to this weekly party since I haven’t been to the new venue tomorrow. I’ve told her before I’ve wanted to go, but then never have. B said this was the first time that when I told her that she wasn’t worried about anything. I know she’s worried that if I see the e, I’ll want to continue to talk to her and then she will continue to be a thorn in our relationship. Her fears are very valid, which is why I have avoided going to such places. But I think now with my imminent move, her fears can be put to rest.
Rest in peace, Chyna and Prince. Wherever you may be.
Two songs always bring me back to memories of her.
One of them, Sideways by Citizen Cope, I can barely listen the whole way through because it makes me sad. It always takes me back to when I was unable to choose her over someone else. The other one, Body Party by Ciara, I always listen through completely because it reminds me of the happier times with her. It reminds me of the very first dance party I went to with her. And how she was dancing with me. I believe it was the first time we kissed.
Both of them played today. Bringing back loads of memories and making me want to reach for my phone to contact her. Maybe I should get rid of those songs in my play list.
B totally surprised the shit out of me on my birthday last week. Originally, the plan was going to be to share a Skype birthday dinner, and she also had told me that she had “hired” a girl to come to my apartment to give me a birthday dance. I was a stressing out about the girl that was supposed to come give me a dance because I don’t live alone, and B had said that I would need to have the girl dance for me in my bedroom. Which I thought would be extremely weird and odd… I had so many questions about this girl. Like how did she know I would like her? How long was the dance supposed to be? Was I really going to like this? I literally was quite stressed out about it. Especially since my bedroom is not that big. I didn’t want to tell B to cancel the dance because I knew something like that would be extremely expensive. B told me I had to be home right after school because she had ordered dinner to be delivered and the girl was coming.
So, I obediently went home as I was told. All the while wishing and hoping the dance wasn’t as awkward as I envisioned in my head. I headed to my room to get it “ready” and who the fuck should be waiting for me in my bedroom in a super sexy angel outfit, but B! I was soooo surprised. That whole story about dinner and the girl was just to get me home and so that I didn’t make any plans. I was so happy to see her. As much as I hate my birthday, I do want to celebrate it some what. She ended up staying until Friday, and then I headed to LA with her this past weekend. This woman never ceases to amaze and surprise me. I hate to say it but I don’t think anyone I’ve dated has ever put this much effort and creativity into me and our relationship. She had reservations at this steak restaurant that I have been wanting to go to since forever. She really planned an amazing birthday. This may be one of the last weekends I will spend there during this school year. I don’t have any other long weekends from now until Memorial Day. The MOVE is going to creep up so fast.
On a different note, I started a new blog to document my Isagenix journey. I may be blogging more on that one in the next 30 days then this one. If you care to follow my weight loss journey the website is: https://isagenixorbust.wordpress.com/
I’m already hungry and I haven’t even started this stupid diet yet.