almost. and reckless.

I almost did something reckless today. Key word(s): almost. and reckless. I’ve decided to call the ex that my memories can’t seem to leave behind ‘the ace’. The e just wasn’t sounding quite right. And it’s not like I want to be referring to her as an ex all the time either. She’s still here to stay for a little bit (in my mind), so the ace is going to have to stick. I know there are so many metaphorical connections to be made with that name. The ace being the strongest card in the suit. The ace trumping everything. However, there is also a very simple (and not metaphorical) reason why the ace suits this situation.

I went out again last night because I really wanted to check out this house music venue that B and I have been to before. I ended up spending a couple hours there, and then I headed around the corner to the Saturday night girl party that’s connected to the Friday night one. I didn’t realize they were so close together until last night. I knew there was a chance to run into the ace, and maybe subconsciously I really wanted to. Anyhow, I thought I caught a glimpse of the ace last night, and all of a sudden I was actively trying not to cross paths with her. I was successful at it, and if she saw me, she was also actively trying not to bump into me.

All of this to say that this afternoon I got the sudden extremely strong impulse to text her. Like I literally had a text message open and one word typed out multiple times. But I didn’t send anything because the biggest inner struggle within myself erupted at the moment. I had to force myself to think about what B would feel if she found out I had reached out to the ace yet again. Clearly, she would feel hurt yet again that I couldn’t resist the temptation to contact the ace and all the progress we’ve made as a couple since December will have gone down the toilet. I had to force myself to think about how the ace would feel if I reached out to her again. The ace clearly said that she wasn’t interested in any sort of half/secret friendship, and she already thinks I’m liar and a coward. I also forced myself to think about how I would feel if I ended up texting her. I’ve been working so hard to forget about her and not give into the need to reach out to her. Just like I worked really hard at quitting cigarettes, and I’m really working hard to lose weight. Working hard sucks ass.

I don’t have an official sponsor to turn to when I need to be talked out of reckless “ex” decisions. This blog will have to suffice. At the end of the day, I was able to talk myself out of a bad decision, which is progress I suppose. It means I am finally making strides towards thinking about how others might feel if I were to do something selfishly. And that’s always a good thing.

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