If I don’t…

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The ace has still been hanging out in my thoughts. She’s been there in the forefront since I caught a glimpse of her this weekend. I was afraid this might happen. Me seeing her. Me wanting to contact her. Me not being able to stop thinking about it until I do contact her. Argh. The craziest thing of all is that as much as I want to text the ace, I really don’t have anything to say to her. All I want to know is how she’s doing. Where she’s at in life. How her life is going. Shooting the shit type stuff. But we weren’t able to do that for each other before. Why would anything be different now. B is coming into town this weekend. That’ll take my mind of the ace.

I went to a local lesbian bar tonight for a drink. I purposely went early so I wouldn’t run into the ace. I knew my chances of running into her were less the earlier I went. I had a good time. Had my drink at the bar. Observed everyone around me. And then was out of there before anyone else knew any better.

I found out yesterday when I need to be at my new school in LA. Second week of August. Which means I have to most likely be out of here by mid-July because I have to stop by the Midwest and visit family. Wow. That’s less than 3 months away. I don’t feel ready at all. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, nothing. I’m not ready. I don’t want to leave NYC. The closer the time gets, the less I want to leave. But I have to. If I don’t, I don’t have a job. If I don’t, B will wonder why. If I don’t, things will be even more confusing and I may never be able to let the ace go. If I don’t, I’m being stupid and holding myself back. Fear of the unknown? Fear of the future? Fear of another long term relationship? Fear of closing the door completely on the ace? Fear of being true to my feelings? Fear of disappointing people? So many fears. I need to do this for myself.


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