I had a moment of clarity today. A moment of brief reprieve from my going down the rabbit hole of being stupid and contacting her. I once wrote this blog post when I had another moment of rational thought regarding the ace. I need to keep going back to this blog post because it’s going to ground me in my letting go process. And I need to keep thinking that just because I can’t talk to her or contact her doesn’t mean I don’t love her or care about her. I can’t feel guilty about that. I can’t feel guilty about loving her and not being with her. It’s not like we didn’t try. I was a toxic person to the ace. I know that now. Just like the article that was the catalyst for my previous blog post says:
A lot of toxicity is accidental. A lot of it is innocent. A lot of it is approached with genuinely positive intentions.
And so we learn to forgive ourselves for the toxicity we did not mean to cause. We learn to forgive each other for it, too.
At the end of the day, we just won’t be the right fit for everybody. And everybody will not be the right fit for us.
So we accept that. We set aside our differences. We take our space when we need it. And we learn to love each other from afar.
My moment of clarity today was that on a whim I went and visited a photography exhibition an old friend/infatuation curated. A couple years ago, I didn’t think I’d ever let her go. And somehow I did. I remember a time she used to permeate my thoughts, daily. And I went crazy trying to move on from her. But somehow I did. When I saw her today, I felt nothing. It felt like seeing a super old friend that I hadn’t spoken to in forever. Although she was still beautiful and exactly how I remembered her, there were no stirrings of emotions or of wistfulness. So my moment was when I realized that the ace is not the first woman I’ve had trouble moving on from. And maybe a couple years from now, if I ever happen to run into the ace again or see her, I may possibly be able to see her as a super old friend that I haven’t spoke to in forever.
B brought up the subject of me having drinks or something with the ace one more time before I move. I guess she regrets not doing that with her ex when she moved out of the Midwest. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to accomplish. B isn’t comfortable with us being friends at all. What’s the point of meeting if we have no intention of continuing our friendship? Even more awkward is that we aren’t even friends to begin with… I mean I have no doubt that if I were to meet up with the ace for drinks, we most likely could have a nice conversation about nothingness, but what’s the purpose? And this is even if she were open to it. Which she probably would not be. Her response would be “Why?” Unless I brought along B. B wanted me to meet her ex. I never really wanted to, and actually still have no desire to meet her. I think B is secretly fascinated by the ace because they both come from the same culture, and the ace is out to her family which is a huge deal in their culture. At one point, they both probably could have been good friends. Maybe that’s what I need to start working on. Getting them to be friends.
My moment of clarity is clearly over now. I’m a little high. I need to stop thinking.