There seems to be an exorbitant amount of articles out there recently of people lamenting past loves and relationships and missing exes and letting go. They fill up my Facebook feed day after day after day. I suppose it comforts me in a way to know that other people, men and women, struggle with the letting go process. Often it’s from the perspective of the one that got left behind though. It’s extremely rare to read an article from inside the mind of the person who left. I’ve often wondered why that is. Is it because usually the person that chose to leave has an easier time forgetting and letting go?
I saw the ace the other day at a bar. We didn’t talk or make any eye contact. As far as I know she wasn’t even aware I was there. I was there with my roommate. We were out just to enjoy the warm weather that has finally made an appearance. I didn’t feel the urge to even try to talk to her. As much as I’d like to talk to her, I still don’t know what I would say to her. So many words have been exchanged between us. Good, bad, and ugly. There doesn’t seem to be anything left to say. This article though. Fuck. Made me really realize what it is that I can’t seem to let go of quite yet. It’s the fact that I never fully gave us a chance. Actually WE never fully gave each other a chance. One or both of us always had one foot somewhere else. The ace would probably disagree until the day she died but she was constantly running away and testing me and our relationship. June will mark two years since I stood on her front porch and told her I couldn’t do this with her anymore. Two whole years.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that we won’t ever be together. But it doesn’t make the letting go of what could have been any easier. I feel incredibly stupid feeling this way. Why do I still feel this way? There’s nothing good to come of feeling this way. Yet almost two years later I still feel some kind of way when it comes to her. God I hope LA is my sanctuary. I need a reprieve from this purgatory of residual feelings that has taken up residence.
Haven’t been posting much lately. Mostly because I don’t have much to say or share. Nothing’s really changed. I’m still on the trajectory of finishing school and moving out west. I have 4 more weeks of school. Four more too many if you ask me. However, as much as I want time to go quickly, I also don’t want it to move quickly. I really want to enjoy my last months here in NYC. I’ve already started exploring and capturing my NYC pics. Things that will always remain NYC to me.
B was here last week for almost a week. We switched it up and spent a lot of time at happy hours and taking walks. We didn’t go out at all, which is very different for us. I finally can pinpoint exactly what drives me crazy about B. She always rationalizes her behavior or choices in any given situation, but if anyone else exhibits the same kind of behavior, they’re disrespectful and wrong. I’ve actually started pointing it out to her. She sort of concedes to the fact that she has a habit of doing so. B pointed out this past time that she would like to stop having vanilla sex. She wants to get into the whole whipping, spanking, even blood play?!? Yikes. I suppose I have always had vanilla sex. Mostly because my partners were comfortable with it. I have to say, every time B brings up the fact that she had amazing sex with her ex, it makes me super uncomfortable and a very much pissed off. I’m not sure what pisses me off more. The fact that she is still talking about that shit, or the fact that she had amazing sex with her ex in the first place. I feel like she’s always comparing our sex life with what she had with her ex. And that almost makes me not want to even try in our sex life. I know that’s wrong and stupid of me. But, my blood boils every time she mentions sex with her ex. Of course, when I tell her it bothers me, she tells me she didn’t mean anything by it. Everyone has a history.
I’m mostly dealing with my imminent departure from NYC by not thinking about it. Living in the moment. I finally called and got a moving quote. The damage won’t be as bad as I thought. It still hurts my heart to give up this apartment that I have. But I have to let that shit go. It’s not the end of the world to give up a rent stabilized apartment in NYC. Close to it though. There are still moments of panic where I spend a good five minutes second guessing myself and my decision to move. But then I realize it’s too late now. I’ve passed the point of no return. I just need to embrace the change and see where the trajectory takes me.
I had a dream about the ace last night. It wasn’t romantic at all. I seemed to be hanging out with her and a friend of hers. In fact, in the dream I remember telling her that I just couldn’t be friends with her. Is this a sign that I am finally moving on? Who knows. I came across an article that basically says that people who want to be friends with their exes are either narcissists or psychopaths… Yikes. I’ve actually stopped reaching out to another one of my exes. Mostly because she hasn’t been an initiator of communication, and I’m tired of initiating. Another one of my exes is coming back to the city for a week to visit and will actually be staying with me. It’ll be nice to see her again. We always did lots of fun things together.
I had a really nice evening by myself at a local bar. At one point I was the only one in the restaurant/bar. It was a very nice feeling having a whole bar to myself in a city like this. I’m really trying to make the most of my final days in this city. I still don’t feel completely great about moving. I have moments of excitement, and then moments of self doubt. I’m afraid that my new school is going to be a pain in the ass. Already my new principal is asking me to think about teaching a separate class with no mention of extra compensation. What the fuck? I just received the faculty handbook. So many rules! But I suppose my school has a lot of rules right now that I don’t follow at all.
B has been a bit cynical and depressive lately. I was pretty frustrated with her a couple days ago. Sometimes I have moments of panic when I think about down the road whether this cynicism and depressive-ness is going to make or break our relationship. I suppose I shouldn’t be thinking that far down the road. She’s coming to visit this weekend. This summer is going to be so different from last. I wonder how much she’ll actually be here since she’ll be teaching four courses throughout the summer. I’m sure it will be a better summer than last summer. I was not happy with the relationship last summer. At all.
I had a pretty horrendous week last week. First a 3 day two night over night with 130 7th graders. Then a weekend full with my nieces and new nephew, all under the age of 4. It was definitely not my best planning, doing those two events back to back. I was WIPED OUT yesterday. We have exactly 5 weeks left of school tomorrow. I need to figure out how I’m going to get all my stuff to LA. I have been putting it off, because I’ve been so busy, but I really need to get my ass into gear.
Last time I wrote, it seems that I was in some emotional turmoil… I’m not sure why I made it sound so dramatic. I don’t feel like that now. My mind has finally been occupied by other things.
First, B came to town for the weekend. We had a really good weekend staying in. My roommate thankfully gave us the apartment alone. It was nice to be in our own space and just chilling. We go out so much as a couple, it always feels great to just stay home, cook dinner, watch tv. I’m really looking forward to finally living together. Doing the “boring/mundane” life stuff with her. She’ll be the second woman I’ve moved in with. Sometimes I wonder how long it would have taken us to move in together had we lived in the same city. I think I found someone to buy most of my furniture that I want to sell. I informed my landlord that I will be moving out. I think that was the hardest piece to let go of. My apartment. I will never find an amazing apartment deal like this one ever again. Letting go of my rent stabilized apartment is a bigger commitment to moving out west then letting go of my job! I really didn’t want to let go of the apartment, but I couldn’t really see how I could hang on to it.
Speaking of commitment, B informed me that she felt that things were finally back to normal. She isn’t worried that I’m not over the ace anymore. I felt a twinge of guilt because of my aforementioned emotional turmoil. However, I do feel like I passed some sort of test/temptation. The danger zone has passed in terms of contacting her. The crazy thing is that ever since B mentioned that she wasn’t worried anymore, my mind has sort of eased off of thinking about the ace. Instead, I’ve been thinking more about my new life out west. I’ve been thinking about how fast this school year has gone. I’ve been thinking about how my final parent conference with wackadoo mom from earlier on in the year went amazingly well and ironically made them eat their own shit when grandma mixed me up with the other Asian woman in the room who happened to be my assistant principal who had joined us for the family conference. I’ve been thinking about my upcoming trip to the Midwest to see my new nephew! I’ve been thinking about having to pack and sort and purge my belongings. So much to do.
My mind has definitely been occupied by other things. However, I will not apologize or feel ashamed about missing the ace. This is my truth for right now. Some days I really miss her. Other days I’m able to occupy my mind with other thoughts. I think putting 3000 miles between us and having nothing to remind me of her will help really seal the deal.