Last time I wrote, it seems that I was in some emotional turmoil… I’m not sure why I made it sound so dramatic. I don’t feel like that now. My mind has finally been occupied by other things.
First, B came to town for the weekend. We had a really good weekend staying in. My roommate thankfully gave us the apartment alone. It was nice to be in our own space and just chilling. We go out so much as a couple, it always feels great to just stay home, cook dinner, watch tv. I’m really looking forward to finally living together. Doing the “boring/mundane” life stuff with her. She’ll be the second woman I’ve moved in with. Sometimes I wonder how long it would have taken us to move in together had we lived in the same city. I think I found someone to buy most of my furniture that I want to sell. I informed my landlord that I will be moving out. I think that was the hardest piece to let go of. My apartment. I will never find an amazing apartment deal like this one ever again. Letting go of my rent stabilized apartment is a bigger commitment to moving out west then letting go of my job! I really didn’t want to let go of the apartment, but I couldn’t really see how I could hang on to it.
Speaking of commitment, B informed me that she felt that things were finally back to normal. She isn’t worried that I’m not over the ace anymore. I felt a twinge of guilt because of my aforementioned emotional turmoil. However, I do feel like I passed some sort of test/temptation. The danger zone has passed in terms of contacting her. The crazy thing is that ever since B mentioned that she wasn’t worried anymore, my mind has sort of eased off of thinking about the ace. Instead, I’ve been thinking more about my new life out west. I’ve been thinking about how fast this school year has gone. I’ve been thinking about how my final parent conference with wackadoo mom from earlier on in the year went amazingly well and ironically made them eat their own shit when grandma mixed me up with the other Asian woman in the room who happened to be my assistant principal who had joined us for the family conference. I’ve been thinking about my upcoming trip to the Midwest to see my new nephew! I’ve been thinking about having to pack and sort and purge my belongings. So much to do.
My mind has definitely been occupied by other things. However, I will not apologize or feel ashamed about missing the ace. This is my truth for right now. Some days I really miss her. Other days I’m able to occupy my mind with other thoughts. I think putting 3000 miles between us and having nothing to remind me of her will help really seal the deal.