On the trajectory to who knows where or what

Haven’t been posting much lately. Mostly because I don’t have much to say or share. Nothing’s really changed. I’m still on the trajectory of finishing school and moving out west. I have 4 more weeks of school. Four more too many if you ask me. However, as much as I want time to go quickly, I also don’t want it to move quickly. I really want to enjoy my last months here in NYC. I’ve already started exploring and capturing my NYC pics. Things that will always remain NYC to me.

B was here last week for almost a week. We switched it up and spent a lot of time at happy hours and taking walks. We didn’t go out at all, which is very different for us. I finally can pinpoint exactly what drives me crazy about B. She always rationalizes her behavior or choices in any given situation, but if anyone else exhibits the same kind of behavior, they’re disrespectful and wrong. I’ve actually started pointing it out to her. She sort of concedes to the fact that she has a habit of doing so. B pointed out this past time that she would like to stop having vanilla sex. She wants to get into the whole whipping, spanking, even blood play?!? Yikes. I suppose I have always had vanilla sex. Mostly because my partners were comfortable with it. I have to say, every time B brings up the fact that she had amazing sex with her ex, it makes me super uncomfortable and a very much pissed off. I’m not sure what pisses me off more. The fact that she is still talking about that shit, or the fact that she had amazing sex with her ex in the first place. I feel like she’s always comparing our sex life with what she had with her ex. And that almost makes me not want to even try in our sex life. I know that’s wrong and stupid of me. But, my blood boils every time she mentions sex with her ex. Of course, when I tell her it bothers me, she tells me she didn’t mean anything by it. Everyone has a history.

I’m mostly dealing with my imminent departure from NYC by not thinking about it. Living in the moment. I finally called and got a moving quote. The damage won’t be as bad as I thought. It still hurts my heart to give up this apartment that I have. But I have to let that shit go. It’s not the end of the world to give up a rent stabilized apartment in NYC. Close to it though. There are still moments of panic where I spend a good five minutes second guessing myself and my decision to move. But then I realize it’s too late now. I’ve passed the point of no return. I just need to embrace the change and see where the trajectory takes me.



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