There seems to be an exorbitant amount of articles out there recently of people lamenting past loves and relationships and missing exes and letting go. They fill up my Facebook feed day after day after day. I suppose it comforts me in a way to know that other people, men and women, struggle with the letting go process. Often it’s from the perspective of the one that got left behind though. It’s extremely rare to read an article from inside the mind of the person who left. I’ve often wondered why that is. Is it because usually the person that chose to leave has an easier time forgetting and letting go?
I saw the ace the other day at a bar. We didn’t talk or make any eye contact. As far as I know she wasn’t even aware I was there. I was there with my roommate. We were out just to enjoy the warm weather that has finally made an appearance. I didn’t feel the urge to even try to talk to her. As much as I’d like to talk to her, I still don’t know what I would say to her. So many words have been exchanged between us. Good, bad, and ugly. There doesn’t seem to be anything left to say. This article though. Fuck. Made me really realize what it is that I can’t seem to let go of quite yet. It’s the fact that I never fully gave us a chance. Actually WE never fully gave each other a chance. One or both of us always had one foot somewhere else. The ace would probably disagree until the day she died but she was constantly running away and testing me and our relationship. June will mark two years since I stood on her front porch and told her I couldn’t do this with her anymore. Two whole years.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that we won’t ever be together. But it doesn’t make the letting go of what could have been any easier. I feel incredibly stupid feeling this way. Why do I still feel this way? There’s nothing good to come of feeling this way. Yet almost two years later I still feel some kind of way when it comes to her. God I hope LA is my sanctuary. I need a reprieve from this purgatory of residual feelings that has taken up residence.