All in my head

It seems that June has become Pride month for gays of this country. I suppose it makes sense since we legalized gay marriage in June and it’s the start of summer. Gays love to party. For the most part. I can’t help but feel tremendously lucky to be living in a country where being gay is mostly accepted, if not tolerated. However, last night’s events in Orlando goes to show that being gay is still fucking dangerous even in this country. And while it may not be as dangerous as let’s say being gay in Nigeria, there are still pockets of hatred against LGBTQ here in the States. I wonder if the world will ever get on board with people being gay. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that last night while I was also partying it up celebrating Pride month, there were people in Orlando being shot to death because they were doing the same thing. It’s fucking disturbing is what it is.

Last night was fun given that I had no idea what was transpiring in Orlando at the same time. I just recently reconnected with a friend I met with B last summer. I’ve hung out with her twice now, going out drinking and dancing. I sort of regret that I lost touch with her and her partner this year. It’s been nice having another gay friend to go out with and hit up the gay circuit so to speak. The one thing that makes me a little uneasy is that they are a polyamorous couple and on the two recent occasions that I have hung out with just the one friend, there have been moments where I felt that she was hinting at wanting more than just friendship. Maybe it’s all in my head. Who knows. In any case we don’t have that much time to hang out, so there won’t have to be any sort of awkward conversation. She does know that B and I are very much in  an exclusive relationship. So maybe it is just all in my head.

We saw the ace out with her friends last night. One friend in particular was with her, whom I thought they had a falling out. I guess they’ve made up. I’m happy for them. They were seemingly really good friends when I first met the ace. We used to go out together all the time. The ace was surprisingly cordial and borderline friendly last night. She actually came up to us and wanted an introduction. Seeing her last night of course still makes me want to reach out and ask to hang out. There won’t ever be a time where I wouldn’t want to see how she’s doing and catch a drink with her. I feel like if I were to suggest it though she’d be super suspicious about my intentions and things just wouldn’t go well from the get go.

B and I have finally set a date in which I will be leaving the city. I’ve been putting off setting a date because it makes it so real. But given that it’s June, I really couldn’t put it off any longer. I haven’t even started packing up my place yet. I actually am hosting two separate visitors before July, a high school friend and my Japanese ex. Right now I’m actively engaging in avoidance of thinking about my move to cope with it.

NYC has been a huge part of my life. This is where I finally became my true gay self. This is where I felt accepted as a young gay woman for the first time in 27 years. B says she there’s no reason for her to to come back here after I move, but I know I will definitely be back.

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Probably not’s and Hard no’s

What does it mean when I read articles like this and they remind me of her?

Maybe we just ought to be grateful that we got to meet these people at all.

That we got to love them. That we got to learn from them. That we got to have our lives expand and flourish as a result of having known them.

Meeting and letting go of the love of your life doesn’t have to be your life’s single greatest tragedy.

Maybe calling the ace the love of my life is a bit melodramatic, but she definitely had an impact on me that no one else has. An effect that I can’t quite shake off just yet. Even with my fast-approaching departure and my very much steadfast commitment to B and what we’re going to build together, I still wish the ace and I could somehow be in each others lives.

But then again I don’t think we can be in each others lives without feeling something for each other. At least I can’t be in her life. Not sure what she feels these days. Probably nothing. I wonder if she sits around wanting to text me. Probably not. I wonder if she thinks about me. Probably not. I wasn’t the best girlfriend to her. I don’t think she even ever considered me her girlfriend. That’s how fragmented we were. But we still were drawn to each other. We still came back together in the end. Even after the end we still found each other.

Part of me wishes I could spend my last days exploring everything this city has to offer with her. I know we would have an awesome time. But part of me knows this would be dangerous. And reckless. And it wouldn’t be healthy for my relationship with B. It would most likely put us in another year of therapy. So that’s a hard no.

This time around

June 1st! What the fuck. How did it all of a sudden become two weeks before school is over. Just got back from a weekend in LA. My back and forth trips are pretty much done. I have one more trip, and then the next time I go it’s to be a resident of California. It’s surreal. I haven’t even started packing. My roommate is moving out in a couple days. I’ll be happy to be living alone. She’s started getting on my nerves because of how self-absorbed she is. The age old adage is true. Don’t live with friends. You don’t truly know a person until you live with them. I absolutely believe that.

B and I are facing a bit of an apartment crisis. Our plan was to stay in her one bedroom until our dream apartment opened up. We already have the dream apartment picked out. We just need to wait until an apartment opens up there. However, we just found out that staying in her one bedroom may not be an option because her rent is going to skyrocket next year. So now there’s more of an urgent need to find something for an August move in. Not sure how that’s going to work out because B has very specific requirements for an apartment. I’m coming from NYC so any apartment looks good. She’s much more particular about the apartment, and we got into a little disagreement about it right before I left yesterday.

I hate fighting with her. I hate feeling like she’s upset with me. Usually my reaction when she’s upset with me is to retract into myself and shut down. Terrible reaction I know, but it’s hard not to shut down and just try to not care. Moving in together will be a true test of our relationship. My biggest fear is that we’re going to move in together and everything is going to go to shit. We didn’t have an easy time of it last summer when she moved in for about 3 months. Not sure if it’s going to be the same this time around. Circumstances will be different this time around. I will be plucked out of my comfort zone. I won’t have my exes hanging around. I’ll be starting a new life with her. Hopefully that’s enough to keep us afloat. And love and attraction and passion of course!