Probably not’s and Hard no’s

What does it mean when I read articles like this and they remind me of her?

Maybe we just ought to be grateful that we got to meet these people at all.

That we got to love them. That we got to learn from them. That we got to have our lives expand and flourish as a result of having known them.

Meeting and letting go of the love of your life doesn’t have to be your life’s single greatest tragedy.

Maybe calling the ace the love of my life is a bit melodramatic, but she definitely had an impact on me that no one else has. An effect that I can’t quite shake off just yet. Even with my fast-approaching departure and my very much steadfast commitment to B and what we’re going to build together, I still wish the ace and I could somehow be in each others lives.

But then again I don’t think we can be in each others lives without feeling something for each other. At least I can’t be in her life. Not sure what she feels these days. Probably nothing. I wonder if she sits around wanting to text me. Probably not. I wonder if she thinks about me. Probably not. I wasn’t the best girlfriend to her. I don’t think she even ever considered me her girlfriend. That’s how fragmented we were. But we still were drawn to each other. We still came back together in the end. Even after the end we still found each other.

Part of me wishes I could spend my last days exploring everything this city has to offer with her. I know we would have an awesome time. But part of me knows this would be dangerous. And reckless. And it wouldn’t be healthy for my relationship with B. It would most likely put us in another year of therapy. So that’s a hard no.


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