All in my head

It seems that June has become Pride month for gays of this country. I suppose it makes sense since we legalized gay marriage in June and it’s the start of summer. Gays love to party. For the most part. I can’t help but feel tremendously lucky to be living in a country where being gay is mostly accepted, if not tolerated. However, last night’s events in Orlando goes to show that being gay is still fucking dangerous even in this country. And while it may not be as dangerous as let’s say being gay in Nigeria, there are still pockets of hatred against LGBTQ here in the States. I wonder if the world will ever get on board with people being gay. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that last night while I was also partying it up celebrating Pride month, there were people in Orlando being shot to death because they were doing the same thing. It’s fucking disturbing is what it is.

Last night was fun given that I had no idea what was transpiring in Orlando at the same time. I just recently reconnected with a friend I met with B last summer. I’ve hung out with her twice now, going out drinking and dancing. I sort of regret that I lost touch with her and her partner this year. It’s been nice having another gay friend to go out with and hit up the gay circuit so to speak. The one thing that makes me a little uneasy is that they are a polyamorous couple and on the two recent occasions that I have hung out with just the one friend, there have been moments where I felt that she was hinting at wanting more than just friendship. Maybe it’s all in my head. Who knows. In any case we don’t have that much time to hang out, so there won’t have to be any sort of awkward conversation. She does know that B and I are very much in  an exclusive relationship. So maybe it is just all in my head.

We saw the ace out with her friends last night. One friend in particular was with her, whom I thought they had a falling out. I guess they’ve made up. I’m happy for them. They were seemingly really good friends when I first met the ace. We used to go out together all the time. The ace was surprisingly cordial and borderline friendly last night. She actually came up to us and wanted an introduction. Seeing her last night of course still makes me want to reach out and ask to hang out. There won’t ever be a time where I wouldn’t want to see how she’s doing and catch a drink with her. I feel like if I were to suggest it though she’d be super suspicious about my intentions and things just wouldn’t go well from the get go.

B and I have finally set a date in which I will be leaving the city. I’ve been putting off setting a date because it makes it so real. But given that it’s June, I really couldn’t put it off any longer. I haven’t even started packing up my place yet. I actually am hosting two separate visitors before July, a high school friend and my Japanese ex. Right now I’m actively engaging in avoidance of thinking about my move to cope with it.

NYC has been a huge part of my life. This is where I finally became my true gay self. This is where I felt accepted as a young gay woman for the first time in 27 years. B says she there’s no reason for her to to come back here after I move, but I know I will definitely be back.

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