Insanity and Tiny Embers


I’ve been feeling very unsettled in the recent days. Thoughts of the ace have been stronger than usual. Much stronger than usual. I’ve been keeping a blog since 2012, and it seems that around this time (Right after Thanksgiving, beginning of December) every year since 2012 I’ve had intense thoughts of being with her (2013), trying to get with her (2014), or trying to get in/stay in contact with her (2015). It’s actually a little insane, and it’s driving me a little insane.
I can’t even really talk to anyone about it. My friends would think I’m insane. I do think about us getting back together. Even now. After everything that has happened. I wonder. Could we have a chance? I know she’d most likely jump at the opportunity to come out here. I know we could have a ton of fun hanging out here. Or I could move back to NYC and we could carry on like before.

This kind of thinking is fucking insane. I’m in a committed relationship right now. I gave up my entire life in NYC for B. I’m invested in this relationship. Why the fuck am I still thinking about a woman I dated almost two years ago? Our relationship was pretty tumultuous, mostly on account of my actions, but she brought some too. I never felt completely secure with her. I never felt like she was very committed to the relationship which made me skittish and non-committal in return. We had off days, but we had on days too. And from what I remember, our on days were pretty damn amazing. I haven’t allowed myself to unleash my thoughts about her like this for awhile. I feel guilty doing so. I feel like I shouldn’t have these thoughts. I shouldn’t be thinking about her at all. I know she’s not thinking about me. I know she’s carrying on as she normally does. She doesn’t have issues finding women to meet. For all I know, she may be in another relationship already. Fuck.

Maybe I just need to get over this hurdle of time. Maybe once the year turns to 2017, thoughts of her will go back to a tiny ember in the back of my mind. And maybe just maybe that ember will be extinguished…

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Totally Alive and Thankful

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Exactly how I feel right now. But I am thankful about many things in my life right now. I’m thankful for being in a warmer climate. It’s spoiling me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live in cold place (as much as I say I miss NYC). I’m thankful for not having to go home for Thanksgiving and spend my vacation in a Cheeto state. I’m thankful that I can hang with the one I love and that we live in a city that will continue to accept our love. I’m thankful for choosing to change my life to be where I am now. I’m thankful for being alive and healthy.

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Cheeto Dust and A Trap

WordPress would make a great partner. It never forgets an anniversary. I was reminded today that it was our 4 year anniversary together now. I started blogging 4 years ago, and damn has my life changed since then. 4 years ago I was a fresh faced early 30 year old at the end of my first major relationship with a woman. Now, I’m an almost late 30 year old in the beginning stages of what seems to be a very serious life-long relationship as long as I (or we) can keep our shit together.

4 years ago, Obama had just won re-election. Now, fucking Trump the Orange Dump has somehow tricked half of America into thinking he is capable of making America great again. Even if America needed to be made great again (which I thought America was actually really great already and has made amazing progress in the past 8 years) how in the fucking hell do people actually think that an orange misogynistic, ego maniac can lead America into a better future????? Ok. Clearly I’m still not over this. And I will not get over this for the next four years. I’m almost about to shut my facebook down because I am just sickened by everything I continue to read about his lack of policies, his appointments of documented racist/fanatic old white men (he’s thinking about appointing Jerry Falwell, Jr. as secretary of education for fuck’s sake), and all the incidents of harassment and hate crimes done in his name.  FUCK. Caliexit just needs to happen. And all my friends need to move to the new republic of California and leave the dumb asses who voted a fucking cheeto into office alone with their cheeto dust. (Sadly my family is not invited because they went along with the masses and voted for a cheeto. I am dreading Christmas vacation with them.)

I digress. I’m finally on some real vacation now. The best thing about west coast independent schools is that they all get a week off for Thanksgiving! I had a dream last night that I accepted a job at two different schools and immediately dumped my current school for the other one over the course of a weekend. I feel like I’m developing some PTSD from my current school. I really am starting to hate it and resent it. I need to stop myself from getting to that point. June is a long ways away. I’ve been starting to open up discussions with B about the possibility of me going back to NY and teaching at my old and very missed school. She did mention that she got a lot more work done when we were on two different coasts. She would never feel totally comfortable with me being in the same city as a couple of my exes and her being on the other side of the country. But, if I can’t get another good job here, that might be the best option. I could rent out a room from someone, hopefully pay around 700-800. I would most likely be happier in terms of job and environment. It would suck to be back in a LDR again though. Not sure how much longer our relationship would really last at that point. Ugh. Why couldn’t my new school be exactly like my old school except on the west coast? That would have been too easy I suppose.

B asked me what ex I missed the most the other day. Of course I said the ace. We’ve come a long way for me to be able to admit that to her. I said the ace primarily because I don’t talk to her anymore. All my other exes I talk to almost weekly. Just shooting the shit. Checking up on one another. If I could actually talk to her, I most likely would not miss her as much. B says she’s perfectly fine with me reaching out to the ace. I’m not stupid enough to fall into that trap. But I’ve been thinking about that trap a lot lately. Who’s to say the ace would even respond if I were to reach out. Beginning of December will make it a whole year since we last had any sort of real conversation. We ran into each other a couple of times after that, but it’s been a whole year.

Cheetos are NOT supposed to be leaders!

I’ve been meaning to post for the last couple of days, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to put any words to any of the thoughts that are going through my head.

The election of course is at the forefront of my thoughts. I’m still in shock that half of America could think that fucking Donald Trump is qualified to be the leader of the United States of America. My mom being one of those millions of ignorant bastards. I’m in such disbelief that the election turned out this way that I can’t even wrap my mind around it at this point. Fucking Trump made fun of a disabled person on television, in front of thousands of people at his rally. Forget everything else he’s said or done. Why is that one action of his not a deal breaker for people? Half of the people in America basically said they’re ok with a president who makes fun of disabled people. It makes me so angry to think about this election and a fucking Trump presidency. In fact from now on I’m going to refer to him as Cheeto. I don’t want to even say his fucking gross name. Thank fucking god I live in a liberal state, even though there are still pockets of Cheeto counties in California. But given that we have a democratic state government going forward in CA, I’m hoping there will be some protection from Cheetos’ inevitable ridiculous/racist/sexist/harmful policies. I don’t even have the right words for the type of anger, rage and fear about what the future is going to look like. This is the BEST description I’ve found about he who shall not be named which emphasizes exactly what kind of man more than 50 million people have voted for.

“[Cheeto] is a criminal and a sociopath who fans the flames of racism and xenophobia with hateful rhetoric and divisive speech. He attacks his critics, admits no fault, and is willing to forgo any process or protocol in the pursuit of unlimited power. He has a vision of women as sexual objects and reproductive slaves and he plans to literally and figuratively build a wall around us to shut out the interaction and influence of a discerning world community.”

I need to stop writing about him now. It’s making me angry.

I’m struggling at my school right now. I’m struggling with the kinds of students I teach. The kind that complain and whine a lot. The kind that don’t like a challenge and don’t like to think for themselves. This is not how all students are. For some reason my current school breeds the kinds of kids that grow up to be people like Cheeto I imagine. And I don’t want to be at a school like that. The school I was at in NYC would have been in an uproar about Cheetos election. In fact they still are and I’m sure planning on joining the protests in NYC. These students cared on Wednesday right after the election and by Friday, they had moved on to memorizing the most recent rap song they heard.

I’ve been going to couples’ therapy with B since last December when we were in crisis mode. It’s almost been a whole year now. I guess my apathy towards it has shown in the recent sessions we’ve had. Apparently, B has all these issues she wants to talk about, but since I’m always saying our relationship is “ok” or “fine” then she feels like she can’t bring anything up. I really don’t know what we should be talking about in therapy. I really don’t. And I don’t want to make things up either. I guess we could talk about our lack of sex, but I know the reason for that. Maybe we could talk about our lack of communication since I’ve moved here. But to be honest, it’s kind of been nice given that we were overly communicating when we were long distance. B wants me to want to work on our relationship, but I truly think our relationship is fine. As long as we’re not disagreeing or fighting or arguing, I deem that being fine and ok. What’s there to work on? I thought about back in the day when an ex wanted more from me. And I never knew what exactly she wanted. Maybe I’m just a shallow relationship person. Maybe what you see is what you get. How do you connect on a deeper level with your partner? I thought sharing a life and values with someone means you’re already on a deep level with a person. Is there more? Sometimes I do feel like maybe B and I are not meant to be together forever. And I know that’s crazy talk since I gave up my job in NYC and moved across the country to be with her, but sometimes we just don’t see eye to eye on important things. Maybe she needs someone who will go deeper with her. Who doesn’t need to be prompted to bring issues up. I don’t know.

On the other hand, our social life out here has been booming. I’ve always wanted to be a part of a “squad” for lack of a better word. Especially with a partner. You know, the whole L word has rose-colored my glasses to what lesbian life with a partner should look like. We randomly went to a meet up back in August. It was it’s first meet up, and out of pure coincidence we all just clicked. We’ve been hanging out every other weekend since then. Going to various girl parties. We have even started hanging out at people’s places now that we’ve started to get to know them. It’s all coming together quite nicely in terms of finding friends to hang out with.

I guess I should make the most of this before Jan 20th. Who the hell knows what the country is going to be like once he gets into power. Wow. Donald fucking Trump is the 45th president of the United States. What the fuck?!

Needing a little time

fullsizerenderOk, so it’s not 11:43. And it’s not October anymore. I’ve found it increasingly difficult to update this blog regularly anymore. Not sure why it’s been this way since moving to LA. Mostly because I’ve been busy I suppose.

Busy is good. Busy helps me not focus on how much my life has changed since moving. Busy helps me not think of the ones that got away. Busy helps me not think about the fucking sad situation my nieces and nephew are in. Busy helps me not think about how much my relationship with B has changed.

I don’t even know where to begin. I found out in the middle of October that my little sister was having an affair with a convicted felon who also is currently out on bail on criminal sexual abuse charges against a victim under the age of 5. My sister has 4 children under the age of 5. I confronted her about all of this, and she decided to stop talking to me because I was not a “supportive” sister. The fucking asshole has told her that he works for the NSA and these charges are filed against him because he’s working undercover for some fucking case. He’s also told her that she’s a princess from one of the tribes in Taiwan and he somehow found her grandfather who was on his deathbed at the time. All ridiculous claims that any normal and critical thinking person would doubt. My sister is immature beyond belief and quite gullible. Since then, I’ve done everything I possibly can to report this asshole to anyone I could. I’ve called DCFS multiple times. I called the state prosecutor’s office to report that he’d been hanging around children. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard from the prosecutor’s office, and it’s maddening that no one has followed up on my calls. He needs to be back in jail. And I will continue to call until someone calls me back. As far as my sister is concerned, once her children are out of her custody, she needs to go to a facility that specializes in depression and general fucked-up-ness. Who the fuck in their right mind when confronted with information that could put their children in harm continues to choose to put them in harm? She clearly needs to get her head on straight. To make this situation even messier than it already is, my sister has also filed an order of protection against her husband over god knows what. I think the pedophile told her to file one against him, so she could get the husband out of the house so asshole could move in. I’ve finally been able to let go of all this because I’ve done what I can. I just have to hope and pray that my nieces and nephew stay safe and that someday soon their father can get custody of them. I still have contact with him and hopefully will be able to continue to be in the children’s lives in the future.

In terms of life out west, it continues to chug along. I still don’t like my job. I’m really getting ready to start looking for a new teaching job this February. B’s been having some body image issues recently. She’s gained quite a bit a weight since we started dating, and she’s depressed as all hell about it. This is ironic given the fact that she confronted me about my weight gain back in December. This has taken a toll on our sex life. She also has been doing this weird thing where she spins this story and tries to convince me that it’s a real story. Then when I believe it, she tells me it was a joke. For example last night she said she told her ex (a woman) that she could stay at our place for a couple nights while she was in town for a work event. This is the ex who she could not stop talking about in our early days of dating. She also made it known that this was THE ex that taught her everything she knew sexually. Clearly I was not happy with this news, and she kept saying me if I wasn’t comfortable she could renege on the invite. She then proceeded to go to sleep. This morning I question her about it, and she finally tells me it was a joke. And asked me why I hate the ex so much. She also brought up (like she always does when I get pissy about her ex) the fact that she was the one who cut her ex off unlike the way I continued to drag my feelings out with my ex. Basically saying that it’s ok for her to hate my ex, but I have absolutely no right to not like her ex because she “dealt” with her feelings and her ex early on in our relationship, while it took me a little time. B is also calling me out for not being honest with her, even though when I am honest with her she flips her shit. I promised myself that I would try to be honest in this relationship. And I truly am trying. But, for example, a couple weeks ago, I made a comment about her driving that she was tailgating, and she FLIPPED the fuck out. Saying stuff like I’m always judging her driving and that I am the only one that has ever had a problem with her driving. And she was REALLY mad because apparently this wasn’t the first time I talked about her driving. Then when I started to cry and she asked me if I was crying, I said no. Which she then turned around to say that I was lying. And that I was always lying to her. Just to be clear, I only said no because she also doesn’t like me crying because she thinks it then makes everything about me and I didn’t want her to think I was trying to make it about me.

We alsoscreen-shot-2016-11-01-at-12-14-25-pm barely communicate anymore compared to when we were in our long distance relationship. I suppose that is natural, but it’s weird and different. And it’s hard for me to not equate our lack of communicating to our relationship not going well. I went back a year ago in this blog and realized I was struggling with my feelings about B back then at around this time. Maybe November is just not our month.

I’m really feeling the effects of having no friends out here. It’s hard making real friends in your 30s in a new city. I haven’t been making a huge effort so that probably needs to change. I still miss what I left behind in NYC. I had good friends in back there. I built a life for myself out there. It’s only been almost 4 months since I’ve officially moved. I just need time to adjust. I hope.