Needing a little time

fullsizerenderOk, so it’s not 11:43. And it’s not October anymore. I’ve found it increasingly difficult to update this blog regularly anymore. Not sure why it’s been this way since moving to LA. Mostly because I’ve been busy I suppose.

Busy is good. Busy helps me not focus on how much my life has changed since moving. Busy helps me not think of the ones that got away. Busy helps me not think about the fucking sad situation my nieces and nephew are in. Busy helps me not think about how much my relationship with B has changed.

I don’t even know where to begin. I found out in the middle of October that my little sister was having an affair with a convicted felon who also is currently out on bail on criminal sexual abuse charges against a victim under the age of 5. My sister has 4 children under the age of 5. I confronted her about all of this, and she decided to stop talking to me because I was not a “supportive” sister. The fucking asshole has told her that he works for the NSA and these charges are filed against him because he’s working undercover for some fucking case. He’s also told her that she’s a princess from one of the tribes in Taiwan and he somehow found her grandfather who was on his deathbed at the time. All ridiculous claims that any normal and critical thinking person would doubt. My sister is immature beyond belief and quite gullible. Since then, I’ve done everything I possibly can to report this asshole to anyone I could. I’ve called DCFS multiple times. I called the state prosecutor’s office to report that he’d been hanging around children. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard from the prosecutor’s office, and it’s maddening that no one has followed up on my calls. He needs to be back in jail. And I will continue to call until someone calls me back. As far as my sister is concerned, once her children are out of her custody, she needs to go to a facility that specializes in depression and general fucked-up-ness. Who the fuck in their right mind when confronted with information that could put their children in harm continues to choose to put them in harm? She clearly needs to get her head on straight. To make this situation even messier than it already is, my sister has also filed an order of protection against her husband over god knows what. I think the pedophile told her to file one against him, so she could get the husband out of the house so asshole could move in. I’ve finally been able to let go of all this because I’ve done what I can. I just have to hope and pray that my nieces and nephew stay safe and that someday soon their father can get custody of them. I still have contact with him and hopefully will be able to continue to be in the children’s lives in the future.

In terms of life out west, it continues to chug along. I still don’t like my job. I’m really getting ready to start looking for a new teaching job this February. B’s been having some body image issues recently. She’s gained quite a bit a weight since we started dating, and she’s depressed as all hell about it. This is ironic given the fact that she confronted me about my weight gain back in December. This has taken a toll on our sex life. She also has been doing this weird thing where she spins this story and tries to convince me that it’s a real story. Then when I believe it, she tells me it was a joke. For example last night she said she told her ex (a woman) that she could stay at our place for a couple nights while she was in town for a work event. This is the ex who she could not stop talking about in our early days of dating. She also made it known that this was THE ex that taught her everything she knew sexually. Clearly I was not happy with this news, and she kept saying me if I wasn’t comfortable she could renege on the invite. She then proceeded to go to sleep. This morning I question her about it, and she finally tells me it was a joke. And asked me why I hate the ex so much. She also brought up (like she always does when I get pissy about her ex) the fact that she was the one who cut her ex off unlike the way I continued to drag my feelings out with my ex. Basically saying that it’s ok for her to hate my ex, but I have absolutely no right to not like her ex because she “dealt” with her feelings and her ex early on in our relationship, while it took me a little time. B is also calling me out for not being honest with her, even though when I am honest with her she flips her shit. I promised myself that I would try to be honest in this relationship. And I truly am trying. But, for example, a couple weeks ago, I made a comment about her driving that she was tailgating, and she FLIPPED the fuck out. Saying stuff like I’m always judging her driving and that I am the only one that has ever had a problem with her driving. And she was REALLY mad because apparently this wasn’t the first time I talked about her driving. Then when I started to cry and she asked me if I was crying, I said no. Which she then turned around to say that I was lying. And that I was always lying to her. Just to be clear, I only said no because she also doesn’t like me crying because she thinks it then makes everything about me and I didn’t want her to think I was trying to make it about me.

We alsoscreen-shot-2016-11-01-at-12-14-25-pm barely communicate anymore compared to when we were in our long distance relationship. I suppose that is natural, but it’s weird and different. And it’s hard for me to not equate our lack of communicating to our relationship not going well. I went back a year ago in this blog and realized I was struggling with my feelings about B back then at around this time. Maybe November is just not our month.

I’m really feeling the effects of having no friends out here. It’s hard making real friends in your 30s in a new city. I haven’t been making a huge effort so that probably needs to change. I still miss what I left behind in NYC. I had good friends in back there. I built a life for myself out there. It’s only been almost 4 months since I’ve officially moved. I just need time to adjust. I hope.