I’ve been meaning to post for the last couple of days, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to put any words to any of the thoughts that are going through my head.
The election of course is at the forefront of my thoughts. I’m still in shock that half of America could think that fucking Donald Trump is qualified to be the leader of the United States of America. My mom being one of those millions of ignorant bastards. I’m in such disbelief that the election turned out this way that I can’t even wrap my mind around it at this point. Fucking Trump made fun of a disabled person on television, in front of thousands of people at his rally. Forget everything else he’s said or done. Why is that one action of his not a deal breaker for people? Half of the people in America basically said they’re ok with a president who makes fun of disabled people. It makes me so angry to think about this election and a fucking Trump presidency. In fact from now on I’m going to refer to him as Cheeto. I don’t want to even say his fucking gross name. Thank fucking god I live in a liberal state, even though there are still pockets of Cheeto counties in California. But given that we have a democratic state government going forward in CA, I’m hoping there will be some protection from Cheetos’ inevitable ridiculous/racist/sexist/harmful policies. I don’t even have the right words for the type of anger, rage and fear about what the future is going to look like. This is the BEST description I’ve found about he who shall not be named which emphasizes exactly what kind of man more than 50 million people have voted for.
“[Cheeto] is a criminal and a sociopath who fans the flames of racism and xenophobia with hateful rhetoric and divisive speech. He attacks his critics, admits no fault, and is willing to forgo any process or protocol in the pursuit of unlimited power. He has a vision of women as sexual objects and reproductive slaves and he plans to literally and figuratively build a wall around us to shut out the interaction and influence of a discerning world community.”
I need to stop writing about him now. It’s making me angry.
I’m struggling at my school right now. I’m struggling with the kinds of students I teach. The kind that complain and whine a lot. The kind that don’t like a challenge and don’t like to think for themselves. This is not how all students are. For some reason my current school breeds the kinds of kids that grow up to be people like Cheeto I imagine. And I don’t want to be at a school like that. The school I was at in NYC would have been in an uproar about Cheetos election. In fact they still are and I’m sure planning on joining the protests in NYC. These students cared on Wednesday right after the election and by Friday, they had moved on to memorizing the most recent rap song they heard.
I’ve been going to couples’ therapy with B since last December when we were in crisis mode. It’s almost been a whole year now. I guess my apathy towards it has shown in the recent sessions we’ve had. Apparently, B has all these issues she wants to talk about, but since I’m always saying our relationship is “ok” or “fine” then she feels like she can’t bring anything up. I really don’t know what we should be talking about in therapy. I really don’t. And I don’t want to make things up either. I guess we could talk about our lack of sex, but I know the reason for that. Maybe we could talk about our lack of communication since I’ve moved here. But to be honest, it’s kind of been nice given that we were overly communicating when we were long distance. B wants me to want to work on our relationship, but I truly think our relationship is fine. As long as we’re not disagreeing or fighting or arguing, I deem that being fine and ok. What’s there to work on? I thought about back in the day when an ex wanted more from me. And I never knew what exactly she wanted. Maybe I’m just a shallow relationship person. Maybe what you see is what you get. How do you connect on a deeper level with your partner? I thought sharing a life and values with someone means you’re already on a deep level with a person. Is there more? Sometimes I do feel like maybe B and I are not meant to be together forever. And I know that’s crazy talk since I gave up my job in NYC and moved across the country to be with her, but sometimes we just don’t see eye to eye on important things. Maybe she needs someone who will go deeper with her. Who doesn’t need to be prompted to bring issues up. I don’t know.
On the other hand, our social life out here has been booming. I’ve always wanted to be a part of a “squad” for lack of a better word. Especially with a partner. You know, the whole L word has rose-colored my glasses to what lesbian life with a partner should look like. We randomly went to a meet up back in August. It was it’s first meet up, and out of pure coincidence we all just clicked. We’ve been hanging out every other weekend since then. Going to various girl parties. We have even started hanging out at people’s places now that we’ve started to get to know them. It’s all coming together quite nicely in terms of finding friends to hang out with.
I guess I should make the most of this before Jan 20th. Who the hell knows what the country is going to be like once he gets into power. Wow. Donald fucking Trump is the 45th president of the United States. What the fuck?!