Insanity and Tiny Embers


I’ve been feeling very unsettled in the recent days. Thoughts of the ace have been stronger than usual. Much stronger than usual. I’ve been keeping a blog since 2012, and it seems that around this time (Right after Thanksgiving, beginning of December) every year since 2012 I’ve had intense thoughts of being with her (2013), trying to get with her (2014), or trying to get in/stay in contact with her (2015). It’s actually a little insane, and it’s driving me a little insane.
I can’t even really talk to anyone about it. My friends would think I’m insane. I do think about us getting back together. Even now. After everything that has happened. I wonder. Could we have a chance? I know she’d most likely jump at the opportunity to come out here. I know we could have a ton of fun hanging out here. Or I could move back to NYC and we could carry on like before.

This kind of thinking is fucking insane. I’m in a committed relationship right now. I gave up my entire life in NYC for B. I’m invested in this relationship. Why the fuck am I still thinking about a woman I dated almost two years ago? Our relationship was pretty tumultuous, mostly on account of my actions, but she brought some too. I never felt completely secure with her. I never felt like she was very committed to the relationship which made me skittish and non-committal in return. We had off days, but we had on days too. And from what I remember, our on days were pretty damn amazing. I haven’t allowed myself to unleash my thoughts about her like this for awhile. I feel guilty doing so. I feel like I shouldn’t have these thoughts. I shouldn’t be thinking about her at all. I know she’s not thinking about me. I know she’s carrying on as she normally does. She doesn’t have issues finding women to meet. For all I know, she may be in another relationship already. Fuck.

Maybe I just need to get over this hurdle of time. Maybe once the year turns to 2017, thoughts of her will go back to a tiny ember in the back of my mind. And maybe just maybe that ember will be extinguished…

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