Merry Christmas, dear readers. I’m currently in the Midwest now, struggling to be ok in a state that voted for Trump. Struggling to be ok staying with a mother that voted for Trump. I’d much rather be in the comfort of my own LA apartment, alone on Christmas. This year has been different. This year feels different. I just still can’t believe my own family members think Trump is the answer. God. The fucking shit that my own mom spewed out of her mouth last night was insane. I was so angry. We can never talk about politics again. Not for the next four years. Not ever. So let’s talk about something else.
Came across this the other day. It is crazy that I haven’t talked to the ace in over a year now and I still think about her. I’d love to reach out now and wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. I don’t think I should yet. I don’t know if there will ever be a good time to open up communication again. Probably not ever either. B is in the UK right now visiting family. Right after my last post, I told B that I wanted to move back to NYC. She didn’t take it well. We had some intense couple therapy sessions around that. She basically said that if I were to move back, we would be over. I had to ask myself, is it worth it? Sometimes I think it is. Other days I don’t think it’s worth it to throw away the relationship I have to B now for something I long for that was in the past-people and city included. Of course I’ve thought about the fact that if I were to move back, and the ace were still single after some time, we’d most likely connect again. And see where things went from there. But, that’s crazy talk and thoughts. B and I have something good. She gets me. I think she knows that I’m not completely over the ace. Just based on her line of questioning. She seems ok with it. She knows my heart is with her. I know my heart is with her. I need to let my past go. I need to let all of my past go. Maybe after I close the final door back to NYC (my job I have on hold), it will feel more permanent. It’s going to be a sad day when I do so though. Clearly, I’m still not in a great state of mind.
All I wanted to do today when I woke up was walk down the street in my old neighborhood to the Brooklyn Bagel around the corner. Order an everything bagel with bacon scallion cream cheese and an orange juice.
Can I do that in LA? Nope.
We were picking up some birthday cupcakes for a friend in the afternoon today and B made a comment that she wasn’t comfortable showing PDA in a post-Drumpf world… that really hit me. It hit me because I’ve been in two relationships where PDA was a big issue and I never want to be in a relationship where PDA is off limits. I told her we couldn’t live our lives in fear every day. I refuse to live that way. If someone wants to attack me because I’m holding my girlfriend’s hand or I’m kissing her, then let them. I will sue the shit out of them.
All of this has contributed my feeling still very unsettled about living out here. Being away from NYC. Being away from my old school. I am seriously thinking about opening up discussions with B about me moving back to NYC. And talking about what that will do to our relationship. I fucking hate having to do this, but I miss NYC something terrible. I miss my old school and my old colleagues. I miss familiarity. I miss the energy of the city. The pulse of the city. I just don’t see myself finding another school like the one I was at in NYC. And LA cannot even come close to what NYC feels like. LA is a fucking empty shell of a city. A city where people drive like crazy mother fuckers trying to get from one place to the next. A city where people botox and use plastic surgery to look weird. A city where there is no culture or energy. Not to mention my previous post about the ace. She’s still there. In my thoughts. Had a dream about her the other night. She called me. That’s about all I remember.
I know the minute I start the discussion with B that I want to move back, it’s going to change the dynamic of our relationship. It’s going to change how B feels. She’s already feeling massively insecure about her weight. We’ve barely had sex in the last couple of months. I don’t want to add even more stress and worry to the relationship.
If I am to move back to NYC though, I need to start thinking about it. Schools need to know if you’re coming back starting in February. How am I to know if that’s the best thing for me? For us?