All I wanted to do today when I woke up was walk down the street in my old neighborhood to the Brooklyn Bagel around the corner. Order an everything bagel with bacon scallion cream cheese and an orange juice.
Can I do that in LA? Nope.
We were picking up some birthday cupcakes for a friend in the afternoon today and B made a comment that she wasn’t comfortable showing PDA in a post-Drumpf world… that really hit me. It hit me because I’ve been in two relationships where PDA was a big issue and I never want to be in a relationship where PDA is off limits. I told her we couldn’t live our lives in fear every day. I refuse to live that way. If someone wants to attack me because I’m holding my girlfriend’s hand or I’m kissing her, then let them. I will sue the shit out of them.
All of this has contributed my feeling still very unsettled about living out here. Being away from NYC. Being away from my old school. I am seriously thinking about opening up discussions with B about me moving back to NYC. And talking about what that will do to our relationship. I fucking hate having to do this, but I miss NYC something terrible. I miss my old school and my old colleagues. I miss familiarity. I miss the energy of the city. The pulse of the city. I just don’t see myself finding another school like the one I was at in NYC. And LA cannot even come close to what NYC feels like. LA is a fucking empty shell of a city. A city where people drive like crazy mother fuckers trying to get from one place to the next. A city where people botox and use plastic surgery to look weird. A city where there is no culture or energy. Not to mention my previous post about the ace. She’s still there. In my thoughts. Had a dream about her the other night. She called me. That’s about all I remember.
I know the minute I start the discussion with B that I want to move back, it’s going to change the dynamic of our relationship. It’s going to change how B feels. She’s already feeling massively insecure about her weight. We’ve barely had sex in the last couple of months. I don’t want to add even more stress and worry to the relationship.
If I am to move back to NYC though, I need to start thinking about it. Schools need to know if you’re coming back starting in February. How am I to know if that’s the best thing for me? For us?