Crazy talk and thoughts

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Merry Christmas, dear readers. I’m currently in the Midwest now, struggling to be ok in a state that voted for Trump. Struggling to be ok staying with a mother that voted for Trump. I’d much rather be in the comfort of my own LA apartment, alone on Christmas. This year has been different. This year feels different. I just still can’t believe my own family members think Trump is the answer. God. The fucking shit that my own mom spewed out of her mouth last night was insane. I was so angry. We can never talk about politics again. Not for the next four years. Not ever. So let’s talk about something else.

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Came across this the other day. It is crazy that I haven’t talked to the ace in over a year now and I still think about her. I’d love to reach out now and wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. I don’t think I should yet. I don’t know if there will ever be a good time to open up communication again. Probably not ever either. B is in the UK right now visiting family. Right after my last post, I told B that I wanted to move back to NYC. She didn’t take it well. We had some intense couple therapy sessions around that. She basically said that if I were to move back, we would be over. I had to ask myself, is it worth it? Sometimes I think it is. Other days I don’t think it’s worth it to throw away the relationship I have to B now for something I long for that was in the past-people and city included. Of course I’ve thought about the fact that if I were to move back, and the ace were still single after some time, we’d most likely connect again. And see where things went from there. But, that’s crazy talk and thoughts. B and I have something good. She gets me. I think she knows that I’m not completely over the ace. Just based on her line of questioning. She seems ok with it. She knows my heart is with her. I know my heart is with her. I need to let my past go. I need to let all of my past go. Maybe after I close the final door back to NYC (my job I have on hold), it will feel more permanent. It’s going to be a sad day when I do so though. Clearly, I’m still not in a great state of mind.

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