All one can do

It’s been a week since I sucked the fat out of my stomach. Sounds pretty fucking gross when you say it like that, but that’s exactly what I did. One wouldn’t think that sucking fat out of your body is a big deal but it kinda is. Your body goes through quite some trauma for the process. I was sleeping for the whole process, but when I woke up, my whole mid section felt super tight and sore. When I was able to take my body suit off, I looked like I had been beat up by a bunch of people from right under my boobs to below my crotch. It’s a little crazy. My skin for the first week has gone from feeling numb, to being on fire, to pins and needles. Sit down, stand up, walk, lay down, sit up my skin hurts. Anything that bumps into my mid section hurts because of the bruises. It finally doesn’t hurt as much as it did, but I’m still super sore. I still have to wear this damn body suit for another 5 weeks. It’s not an easy process at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I had spent as much money on food, personal trainer, gym, etc. for 6 weeks, could I have achieved the same results with less pain?

It’s been about a month now since I’ve been in contact with the ace. It’s been nice to hear what’s going with her. She’s opening up more. It’s becoming less one-sided. I can pass along stories that I think she would be interested in. I can talk to her about whatever. I’ve missed that. B has continually been uncomfortable with this new connection. In our couple’s therapy session, she got really mad because our therapist basically told her she needed to let past hurts go. B said she completely trusted me EXCEPT when it came to the ace. When it came to the ace, B doesn’t trust that our conversations are platonic. B doesn’t trust that we’re not talking every day. Even though I offer to show her my texts. She thinks I delete texts (which I don’t). Our conversations have been very platonic. Mostly catch up.

B is extremely distrustful of my relationship with the ace because back in 2015 when I started dating B, I wasn’t over the ace. And I wasn’t honest about it. Mostly because I was kind of confused about my feelings about the ace, and I had these new, intense feelings with B. I was really hoping back then that my new, intense feelings would take place of these other residual feelings I had, which is why I continually told B that I was over the ace. Long story short, over a year ago, at a particularly rocky time with B, I told B that I thought I might still have feelings for the ace and that I really needed to have her in my life to figure them out. Here is the link to the long version. Fast forward to now, I didn’t talk to the ace for more than a year after that because I chose my relationship with B.

I do understand why B may be a bit wary of my connection with ace. However, all my actions of choosing our relationship, moving out to CA from NYC, giving up my tenured position and rent stabilized apartment I would think would solidify my commitment to her. That doesn’t seem to be enough for her though. When I point this out to B, she always says that she thought I did all that for myself. Which I did. But it was also for the relationship. To start a life with her. Last night, she asked me a weird question in the midst of being mad at me the situation. She asked if we were to break up, would I move back to NYC? There’s nothing in NYC for me anymore. My job isn’t there anymore. I would pay a shit load of money for an apartment in a crappy neighborhood probably. Weed is legal in CA. The sun is usually shining. I have a job out here. I’d probably try to make it work out.

I came across an article about the practice of inner bonding. It’s this idea that you have to be emotionally responsible instead of emotionally dependent. I suffer from feelings of intense anxiety, insecurity, inadequacy and rejection when I perceive someone is angry at me. I’ve definitely been very emotionally dependent on my past partners, and for the first time I’ve come to realize especially with B is that when I do suffer from these feelings the situation becomes about me and my feelings. This has highly frustrated B because she feels like she can’t have a hard conversation with me or be angry at me because I turn it around and make it about my feelings. So I’m working on becoming more emotionally responsible and less dependent. The aforementioned situation is a great one to practice this with. I understand that B is feeling frustrated about all of this. I have to let her be frustrated. I can’t succumb to my feelings of anxiety and insecurity because I have done nothing wrong. I have stated that I wish to be friends with the ace. I have allowed a more than a year cooling period after the events that transpired. B being frustrated and angry about this situation is more about her feelings about it, instead of what I’m doing. It’s really, really hard for me to separate that. But I’m slowly working on it.

That’s all one can do.

 

 

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