My new therapist told me that I speak of the ace almost like a drug. Like something I keep coming back to, over and over again. Something I can’t stay away from.
There’s a lot of truth to that. For sure. Even in the face of possibly losing one of the best relationships I’ve had, I find myself drawn to her. I don’t know what it is. Maybe she is a drug to me. I started up individual therapy again because a couple weeks ago, right after we had our couple’s therapy, B told me she was ready to “close the door gently” on our relationship. She said she was tired of the ace being in the middle of our relationship. She was tired of talking about her. She was tired that after a little over 2 years of dating, the ace was still a cause of stress in our relationship.
My new therapist also said that I need to examine why I am acting in such a confusing way. On one hand, I claim that I love B and I want a life with her, but then on the other hand I reach out to an ex whom I know B has an issue with. In all fairness, I did think B was maybe warming up to the idea that I could possibly be in contact with the ace. I really did. The therapist also brought up an interesting point that maybe the ace is confused also. The ace may wonder why I’m reaching out to her if I claim I’m doing well with B and the ace definitely knows she’s been a source of insecurity in my relationship. So many truths here.
So I’m back in therapy attempting to again try to sever this unseverable connection and draw I feel towards the ace. I feel so silly having to ask someone how to forget or move on from something. It seems like three years down the road I should have already figured this out on my own. I’m a little scared that in the midst of figuring out my confusion that I may realize that I can’t move on. I can’t forget. I can’t hide these feelings. The therapist asked me what do I get from being in communication with the ace. It was a valid question. A question that I don’t have very good answers to.
The one thing I do know and believe is that my relationship with B is well and good. I don’t want to fuck that up. I’ve never wanted to fuck it up. We’ve got plans. Big plans. I fucking uprooted my perfectly good life in NYC for this woman. There’s no way I’m just going to close the door gently on this relationship.