Severing the Unseverable

My new therapist told me that I speak of the ace almost like a drug. Like something I keep coming back to, over and over again. Something I can’t stay away from.

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There’s a lot of truth to that. For sure. Even in the face of possibly losing one of the best relationships I’ve had, I find myself drawn to her. I don’t know what it is. Maybe she is a drug to me. I started up individual therapy again because a couple weeks ago, right after we had our couple’s therapy, B told me she was ready to “close the door gently” on our relationship. She said she was tired of the ace being in the middle of our relationship. She was tired of talking about her. She was tired that after a little over 2 years of dating, the ace was still a cause of  stress in our relationship.

My new therapist also said that I need to examine why I am acting in such a confusing way. On one hand, I claim that I love B and I want a life with her, but then on the other hand I reach out to an ex whom I know B has an issue with. In all fairness, I did think B was maybe warming up to the idea that I could possibly be in contact with the ace. I really did. The therapist also brought up an interesting point that maybe the ace is confused also. The ace may wonder why I’m reaching out to her if I claim I’m doing well with B and the ace definitely knows she’s been a source of insecurity in my relationship. So many truths here.

So I’m back in therapy attempting to againFullSizeRender_1 try to sever this unseverable connection and draw I feel towards the ace. I feel so silly having to ask someone how to forget or move on from something. It seems like three years down the road I should have already figured this  out on my own. I’m a little scared that in the midst of figuring out my confusion that I may realize that I can’t move on. I can’t forget. I can’t hide these feelings. The therapist asked me what do I get from being in communication with the ace. It was a valid question. A question that I don’t have very good answers to.

The one thing I do know and believe is that my relationship with B is well and good. I don’t want to fuck that up. I’ve never wanted to fuck it up. We’ve got plans. Big plans. I fucking uprooted my perfectly good life in NYC for this woman. There’s no way I’m just going to close the door gently on this relationship.

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All one can do

It’s been a week since I sucked the fat out of my stomach. Sounds pretty fucking gross when you say it like that, but that’s exactly what I did. One wouldn’t think that sucking fat out of your body is a big deal but it kinda is. Your body goes through quite some trauma for the process. I was sleeping for the whole process, but when I woke up, my whole mid section felt super tight and sore. When I was able to take my body suit off, I looked like I had been beat up by a bunch of people from right under my boobs to below my crotch. It’s a little crazy. My skin for the first week has gone from feeling numb, to being on fire, to pins and needles. Sit down, stand up, walk, lay down, sit up my skin hurts. Anything that bumps into my mid section hurts because of the bruises. It finally doesn’t hurt as much as it did, but I’m still super sore. I still have to wear this damn body suit for another 5 weeks. It’s not an easy process at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I had spent as much money on food, personal trainer, gym, etc. for 6 weeks, could I have achieved the same results with less pain?

It’s been about a month now since I’ve been in contact with the ace. It’s been nice to hear what’s going with her. She’s opening up more. It’s becoming less one-sided. I can pass along stories that I think she would be interested in. I can talk to her about whatever. I’ve missed that. B has continually been uncomfortable with this new connection. In our couple’s therapy session, she got really mad because our therapist basically told her she needed to let past hurts go. B said she completely trusted me EXCEPT when it came to the ace. When it came to the ace, B doesn’t trust that our conversations are platonic. B doesn’t trust that we’re not talking every day. Even though I offer to show her my texts. She thinks I delete texts (which I don’t). Our conversations have been very platonic. Mostly catch up.

B is extremely distrustful of my relationship with the ace because back in 2015 when I started dating B, I wasn’t over the ace. And I wasn’t honest about it. Mostly because I was kind of confused about my feelings about the ace, and I had these new, intense feelings with B. I was really hoping back then that my new, intense feelings would take place of these other residual feelings I had, which is why I continually told B that I was over the ace. Long story short, over a year ago, at a particularly rocky time with B, I told B that I thought I might still have feelings for the ace and that I really needed to have her in my life to figure them out. Here is the link to the long version. Fast forward to now, I didn’t talk to the ace for more than a year after that because I chose my relationship with B.

I do understand why B may be a bit wary of my connection with ace. However, all my actions of choosing our relationship, moving out to CA from NYC, giving up my tenured position and rent stabilized apartment I would think would solidify my commitment to her. That doesn’t seem to be enough for her though. When I point this out to B, she always says that she thought I did all that for myself. Which I did. But it was also for the relationship. To start a life with her. Last night, she asked me a weird question in the midst of being mad at me the situation. She asked if we were to break up, would I move back to NYC? There’s nothing in NYC for me anymore. My job isn’t there anymore. I would pay a shit load of money for an apartment in a crappy neighborhood probably. Weed is legal in CA. The sun is usually shining. I have a job out here. I’d probably try to make it work out.

I came across an article about the practice of inner bonding. It’s this idea that you have to be emotionally responsible instead of emotionally dependent. I suffer from feelings of intense anxiety, insecurity, inadequacy and rejection when I perceive someone is angry at me. I’ve definitely been very emotionally dependent on my past partners, and for the first time I’ve come to realize especially with B is that when I do suffer from these feelings the situation becomes about me and my feelings. This has highly frustrated B because she feels like she can’t have a hard conversation with me or be angry at me because I turn it around and make it about my feelings. So I’m working on becoming more emotionally responsible and less dependent. The aforementioned situation is a great one to practice this with. I understand that B is feeling frustrated about all of this. I have to let her be frustrated. I can’t succumb to my feelings of anxiety and insecurity because I have done nothing wrong. I have stated that I wish to be friends with the ace. I have allowed a more than a year cooling period after the events that transpired. B being frustrated and angry about this situation is more about her feelings about it, instead of what I’m doing. It’s really, really hard for me to separate that. But I’m slowly working on it.

That’s all one can do.

 

 

Where there’s lesbians, there’s drama

It’s been so long since I last wrote a post. I can’t even call this a New Year’s post anymore. It’s like 2017 has come and gone. I’m not sure if January has seemed like a whole fucking year because of Drumpf or because I truly dislike the school I’m at. It’s not like a whole bunch has happened. My last post was all about me trying to close the door on NYC. Me wondering if I should open communication up with the ace. Me lamenting the fact that Drumpf is president.

I have officially closed the door on NYC in terms of my teaching job I was hanging onto. It was a tough pill to swallow, but I finally made the call to my principal and told her that I would not be coming back to a school that I loved dearly and was paid quite well at. I literally had to put emotions aside while I talked to her and my department head for fear of getting choked up. It’s not like my school in NYC was the fucking promise land of middle schools. I think the fact that my current school is so bad, it’s making me romanticize how good I had it back when I was a veteran teacher at a posh prep school in NYC. Now I’m just a noob teacher at a school full of entitled little assholes who will grow up to be big entitled assholes who will continue to send their asshole spawn to schools I hopefully won’t be teaching at.

In terms of communication with the ace, after months of “should I’s, shouldn’t I’s?”, one random day a couple weeks ago I got an urge that I could not resist to call the ace. And I did. That resulted in a text back from her, and the communication was opened back up. B obviously is not thrilled open this new channel of communication, but I was truly concerned about the ace’s well-being and immigration predicament. Especially with our newly appointed Dear Leader who has absolutely insane ideas about immigration. Or should I say his Alternative Truth Groupies. Communication with the ace has been a bit limited and one-sided. It’s hard to know what I can ask her or what I should say to her. It’s been over a year since we talked. I guess in my mind, this is a do over. A place to begin again. I don’t get the feeling that she cares whether we’re talking or not. And I suppose that’s to be expected. I guess the question I should ask myself is then, why do I care so much about talking to her. I guess it has to do with the fact that I did once upon truly care about her and her well-being. Once upon a time we talked every day for a good long while. Just because the romantic aspect of a relationship falls apart doesn’t mean everything else has to fall apart. I keep in touch with my other exes because I care about them too. Maybe it’s a lesbian thing. Maybe it’s a woman thing. I don’t know. I do know I enjoy talking to all my exes. I enjoy having them in my life. The ace is no different.

Things with B have been on the up and up. She’s dealing with her weight issues. I’m dealing with mine. We’re set to go to Dinah Shore at the end of March for 5 days. B is planning on doing some research involving lesbians and some lesbian sex education too. I hope we survive 5 days of non stop partying. Not sure these old bones can handle it. Speaking of dealing with my weight issues, I have one problem area that collects more fat than other areas, which is my stomach. I’m scheduled to go in for lipo next week to take care of the problem area. The only reason I’m doing it is because I experienced B’s transformation with it, and am a believer. I’m not especially proud to be doing lipo because I feel like it’s the easy way out, but I have enjoyed bigger boobs and ass because of the weight gain which I would for sure lose if I were to lose weight all around. Also, lipo is the process of taking fat cells out of problem areas which means when you do gain back weight, you won’t gain as much in the problem area, unless of course you gain back a ton of weight. Which I don’t plan on doing. I am actually a little embarrassed to admit I’m going in for lipo because I’m not obese. I’m not super overweight. My BMI is normal for my height. It’s just that I’ve always been on the slimmer side. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. And it’s affecting our sex life for sure given that B is attracted to slimmer women and I’m not as slim as I was. That was a whole issue awhile ago, but I’ve gotten over it. I don’t necessarily understand it. But I’m over it. It no longer hurts me to know that if ever I were to gain more weight, B would no longer be sexually attracted to me. It’s just a reality. The price I pay for being in this relationship as Dan Savage would say.

Our little group of lesbian friends is slowly unraveling because where there’s lesbians, there’s drama. In one instance, we have some couple friends who are getting married. We’re hosting their bachelorette party in Vegas. I’ll call them H&L. H is in her 40s and hasn’t had many relationships. L is in her 30s and I think has had quite a few relationships. H has these very strange ideas of how a couple should act with each other. For example, if L goes out by herself, she has a curfew and must get home by 12. On top of that, she’s not supposed to drink very much when she’s out so that she doesn’t get drunk. When they are out together, H&L are glued to the hip. Dancing with just L is not allowed. Even fun joke dancing that women all do. I connect with L better than H, so I would occasionally text L separately about stuff. Last week. L texted me saying that H felt hurt and left out because I texted L “privately”. Wtf? So now, I text them as a unit. Which is weird. I told B about it, and she’s super weirded out about too. She doesn’t want to throw the bachelorette party for them anymore, but we’ve already committed to doing it, so we can’t back out. I hope things even out eventually. It’ll be fine, I guess I just need to see the hard boundaries with the two of them. We also just learned of two other girls, Ja and Ji that were dating but not dating anymore because one of them (Ji) is a cokehead, which is fucking insane. It does explain a few things, but still a little shocking to hear. Our other single women friends are just thirsty as all hell. Constantly just wanting to go out to girl parties to meet women and kiss random ones. Which as an activity is not a terrible thing, but if that’s all you’re doing to meet women, you’re not going to get very far. B is already talking about wanting new friends, even though we just made these other friends.

I’m in Chicago for the weekend to help my brother in law with the kiddos. I still have not spoken to my little sister who is still involved with the asshole pedophile. Hopefully we don’t run into them while we’re out and about with the kids. I’m excited to spend some time with the little rugrats. And also with the bro-in-law.

More later.

 

Crazy talk and thoughts

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Merry Christmas, dear readers. I’m currently in the Midwest now, struggling to be ok in a state that voted for Trump. Struggling to be ok staying with a mother that voted for Trump. I’d much rather be in the comfort of my own LA apartment, alone on Christmas. This year has been different. This year feels different. I just still can’t believe my own family members think Trump is the answer. God. The fucking shit that my own mom spewed out of her mouth last night was insane. I was so angry. We can never talk about politics again. Not for the next four years. Not ever. So let’s talk about something else.

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Came across this the other day. It is crazy that I haven’t talked to the ace in over a year now and I still think about her. I’d love to reach out now and wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. I don’t think I should yet. I don’t know if there will ever be a good time to open up communication again. Probably not ever either. B is in the UK right now visiting family. Right after my last post, I told B that I wanted to move back to NYC. She didn’t take it well. We had some intense couple therapy sessions around that. She basically said that if I were to move back, we would be over. I had to ask myself, is it worth it? Sometimes I think it is. Other days I don’t think it’s worth it to throw away the relationship I have to B now for something I long for that was in the past-people and city included. Of course I’ve thought about the fact that if I were to move back, and the ace were still single after some time, we’d most likely connect again. And see where things went from there. But, that’s crazy talk and thoughts. B and I have something good. She gets me. I think she knows that I’m not completely over the ace. Just based on her line of questioning. She seems ok with it. She knows my heart is with her. I know my heart is with her. I need to let my past go. I need to let all of my past go. Maybe after I close the final door back to NYC (my job I have on hold), it will feel more permanent. It’s going to be a sad day when I do so though. Clearly, I’m still not in a great state of mind.

Everything Bagels and Down the street

All I wanted to do today when I woke up was walk down the street in my old neighborhood to the Brooklyn Bagel around the corner. Order an everything bagel with bacon scallion cream cheese and an orange juice.

Can I do that in LA? Nope.

We were picking up some birthday cupcakes for a friend in the afternoon today and B made a comment that she wasn’t comfortable showing PDA in a post-Drumpf  world… that really hit me. It hit me because I’ve been in two relationships  where PDA was a big issue and I never want to be in a relationship where PDA is off limits. I told her we couldn’t live our lives in fear every day. I refuse to live that way. If someone wants to attack me because I’m holding my girlfriend’s hand or I’m kissing her, then let them. I will sue the shit out of them.

All of this has contributed my feeling still very unsettled about living out here. Being away from NYC. Being away from my old school. I am seriously thinking about opening up discussions with B about me moving back to NYC. And talking about what that will do to our relationship. I fucking hate having to do this, but I miss NYC something terrible. I miss my old school and my old colleagues. I miss familiarity. I miss the energy of the city. The pulse of the city. I just don’t see myself finding another school like the one I was at in NYC. And LA cannot even come close to what NYC feels like. LA is a fucking empty shell of a city. A city where people drive like crazy mother fuckers trying to get from one place to the next. A city where people botox and use plastic surgery to look weird. A city where there is no culture or energy. Not to mention my previous post about the ace. She’s still there. In my thoughts. Had a dream about her the other night. She called me. That’s about all I remember.

I know the minute I start the discussion with B that I want to move back, it’s going to change the dynamic of our relationship. It’s going to change how B feels. She’s already feeling massively insecure about her weight. We’ve barely had sex in the last couple of months. I don’t want to add even more stress and worry to the relationship.

If I am to move back to NYC though, I need to start thinking about it. Schools need to know if you’re coming back starting in February. How am I to know if that’s the best thing for me? For us?

Insanity and Tiny Embers


I’ve been feeling very unsettled in the recent days. Thoughts of the ace have been stronger than usual. Much stronger than usual. I’ve been keeping a blog since 2012, and it seems that around this time (Right after Thanksgiving, beginning of December) every year since 2012 I’ve had intense thoughts of being with her (2013), trying to get with her (2014), or trying to get in/stay in contact with her (2015). It’s actually a little insane, and it’s driving me a little insane.
I can’t even really talk to anyone about it. My friends would think I’m insane. I do think about us getting back together. Even now. After everything that has happened. I wonder. Could we have a chance? I know she’d most likely jump at the opportunity to come out here. I know we could have a ton of fun hanging out here. Or I could move back to NYC and we could carry on like before.

This kind of thinking is fucking insane. I’m in a committed relationship right now. I gave up my entire life in NYC for B. I’m invested in this relationship. Why the fuck am I still thinking about a woman I dated almost two years ago? Our relationship was pretty tumultuous, mostly on account of my actions, but she brought some too. I never felt completely secure with her. I never felt like she was very committed to the relationship which made me skittish and non-committal in return. We had off days, but we had on days too. And from what I remember, our on days were pretty damn amazing. I haven’t allowed myself to unleash my thoughts about her like this for awhile. I feel guilty doing so. I feel like I shouldn’t have these thoughts. I shouldn’t be thinking about her at all. I know she’s not thinking about me. I know she’s carrying on as she normally does. She doesn’t have issues finding women to meet. For all I know, she may be in another relationship already. Fuck.

Maybe I just need to get over this hurdle of time. Maybe once the year turns to 2017, thoughts of her will go back to a tiny ember in the back of my mind. And maybe just maybe that ember will be extinguished…

Totally Alive and Thankful

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Exactly how I feel right now. But I am thankful about many things in my life right now. I’m thankful for being in a warmer climate. It’s spoiling me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live in cold place (as much as I say I miss NYC). I’m thankful for not having to go home for Thanksgiving and spend my vacation in a Cheeto state. I’m thankful that I can hang with the one I love and that we live in a city that will continue to accept our love. I’m thankful for choosing to change my life to be where I am now. I’m thankful for being alive and healthy.

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!